Was that good?
Yes.
Are you sure?
Yes.
The response of a woman who has learnt to say yes to everything.
She has always heard, “You have to learn to keep a man”. Even though no one says what that means specifically, she had somehow learnt that it meant “sacrifice”. Denying one’s pleasure for the greater good. Only this time, the greater good is also denying her of herself.
She asks herself what it means to be happy because the things that she was taught would bring her joy are the very things that suck the joy out fast. It is draining. The constant need to recharge others. It’s like never breathing deeply, leaping over every huddle with a smile, even though every part of her muscles is cramping.
Are you okay? They ask.
What is she supposed to say? No, so they ask why and then she has to deep dive into her soul to realise she does not know how to keep what she thinks she wants. She is tired of the performance, and the show has not even begun.
Everything she knows is about denial. Now she does not know how to insert herself in situations that require her presence. It’s like being a maid in the house you built. Always serving, never being comfortable enough to be served.
She really wants to unearth the root of her malady, but she is unsure she’d recognise the woman standing after she turns out all the rubble buried deep within her earth, and no, it’s not just because the dust will cover her makeup – it’s the revolution that will awaken.
There’s no field to contain those blowouts. She may need a detonator, or maybe it’s the Phoenix she seeks.
Hello somebody, anybody, help.
You know why people are scared of a selfish woman? It’s because they know they can no longer take advantage of her strength and drain her for their purpose.
In the end, everything is a sacrifice, but she wants to stop being the offering.
They say protect his ego, nurture him, respect him, support him, feed him, carry him, be loyal to him, satisfy him…
In all these instructions, it has come to her attention that there is no one instructing him on how to deal with her delicately. How to not wound her spirit and crush her soul under so many sacrifices, someone to help her with practising saying No. Not today, not ever till she can set the boundaries of how much self she can give.
It seems there is no happiness here, just rules.
It doesn’t matter anymore. The Cavalry always comes but time she’d be the one leading for freedom.
Xoxo,
Dcconnoisseur.
Connoisseur of Memories 