Hey, you, let me ask you a question: when did you realise that you are an adult? Like the actual moment when you felt grown-up?
Also, isn’t it ludicrous that reality is not the same for everyone, except for constants like birth and death; everything else in between is variable and yet everyone keeps saying “face reality” as though we are all experiencing exactly the same reality.
Okay, enough rambling. Today, let’s talk about all the ways you tolerate yourself. I mean the things you dislike in yourself, but, in the name of self-love, you accommodate them because you can’t seem to change them, so finding some form of radical acceptance seems the only way to go.
It is random things, like how you don’t seem to be photogenic even though you think you are beautiful in real life. The way your smile reminds you of an old woman you know, and it’s not that you don’t like the woman; you just are aiming for a more celeb-standard pose and what you get is this very pedestrian look. You aim for high cheekbones, but all you end up looking like is a chubby baby.
How you wish your feet looked softer and more feminine than how they remind you of a man. Or maybe it’s a personality trait. How you just can’t seem to be as audacious as you want, or even charming. Or maybe you just don’t want to keep coming across as a mean person. Or you just wish you could be less independent in how you ask for help.
It’s more like something that irks you about yourself, but you spend time trying to motivate yourself into radical acceptance, and in some ways, you are guarded about how you relate to yourself from this perspective and quick to come for anyone who highlights this vulnerable spot you already seem to be battling.
For the longest time, I had this idea that I was lovable from afar but not when people came to know me. It took me a while to realise that it wasn’t about not thinking I was lovable or deserving of love; it wasn’t even about the people I was projecting this non-acceptance onto. It was always about my desire to be picture perfect, to seem like I always know what I am doing and have things figured out
On a deeper level, it was about not accepting my vulnerability and, even worse, sharing it with others. If I wanted to dig even further, it largely boiled down to trust: not trusting that people would come through for me, that I could let go and trust enough to be taken care of. The constant need to protect the struggles of my humanity because I thought that made me weak.
Self-love is a very radical concept in that it promotes selfishness when selflessness is the virtue. However, self-centeredness required of self-love is more about acceptance and awareness while decentering comparison with others. This is the balance that makes it a worthy cause. It is about self-advocacy, even when sometimes the opponent is also you.
It is about getting to a place of comfort in your own skin. Where your physical and emotional appearance aligns with your spiritual posture and eccentric beliefs about yourself. A place where your opinion of yourself informs how you think others view you and accurately too. This journey is not easy but it is worthwhile.
The next time you look in the mirror and hate your nose, then you know you still have a journey to take. The one in which you are completely convinced that you are an acceptable and exquisite standard of being. Only when you accept yourself can you recognise acceptance in others.
Xoxo,
Dcconnoisseur
Connoisseur of Memories 