It is Valentine today, 8:20 pm precisely as I type this in my dimly lit room. I have just finished a meal that ordinarily ought to have been breakfast by its design. Prior, I went flower hunting. I have never bought a live plant. I don’t even know if I can keep it alive but I wanted to check this off my list.
This Valentine’s is a happy one. I have been enthused all day. Dancing, singing, and being hopeful. Generally feeling wholesome. The funny thing was it was not from expectations of doing something exciting but the mere fact that I was no longer where I used to be.
Yeah, but this post is not about reminiscing tragic incidences. The opposite actually. I realized something in a flash. I am not sure this idea has even finished forming in my head before I sat trying to pen down the disjointed inspiration.
In a moment of brain-fogged euphoria, I thought, I would take all the disappointments I have faced to be here again in a heartbeat. I was about to translate myself into a diatribe of sad monologues on all the things I have been through and how I no longer want to find myself amid such disappointments anymore when I found this paradigm.
Giddy and excited, chatting with a kindred soul. I realize that disappointments pale in the face of the high that comes with stumbling on what you have been craving all along. The many obstacles almost become insignificant and unimpressive. You start to wonder why you even felt sad because sadness suddenly loses meaning. Now, you know that it will be different even if you get sad.
You are wiser now, smarter, healed. wholesome.
As love unfolds in my heart, I realize I do not want to be defined by painful moments of hurt or disappointments. I am conscious not to love from a cage where I am too protected to be touched. I am convinced that I can allow myself to be happy and touch happiness untainted by the unpleasant memories of my past.
That the future I want and am waiting for is one that can be as new as I want it to be. That I can be as happy as I allow myself, that I can create the picture of my happiness and believe I deserve it without an iota of doubt.
Imagine my surprise when you were the one behind the thoughts. When I let my mind dream for just a bit unrestrained, that my face was at the end of the rainbow. That it was like a soul call even when I did not want to give meaning to it, it feels like it was already removed from my hands like I am already participating in a movie I have spent my life rehearsing on the wrong stages but now I know all the script all too well.
I have fallen so many times, so so many times, I have doubted, with you my doubt is that I do not know how much I can do this dance. I feel like it is until my shoes give out until my feet are sore, my bones become feeble, and you spark my delight but I do not want you to be my love story. I am my love story but why does it feel like we are both living an engraved story prewritten.
Is that what you call moirai?
what am I even saying, you are not mine. I do not even want to find out if you can be mine when I am already yours in my soul at least. I do not know how to love you because I do not know if I will be able to focus on anything else than loving you. it will be my absolute delight but this is a love story I am writing all in my head. I live each day in trepidation not from knowing that I can never let you go but that I can not even bind you to me because you are as fluid as my imagination, the hidden thoughts expressed in my secret desires.
Great love of mine, is this what my soul looks like when you mirror it?
I do not like what I see because it feels like we are cut from the same fabric. How can likeness attract, does that even make any sense? Do we, not sojourn making sense of meaninglessness. How then can we be trapped without meaning? Oh, I forgot, you are not in this story, at least not as the participant, you are an observer and that’s how you are trapped in this dance, you are the director and the actor, the orchestra and the ballad.
You are so fascinated by the display. Like what you see mi armor?
You know in this dance only you and I can hear the beats right and feel the rhythm?
You know, like the cryptic note we are not leaving each other because we want the thrill without the burden of our continents having to collide…
Stay. watch. I don’t think it will matter if you are intentional about this or not, the music already started and the dance is already on our feet. We are lost in the melody, we move in harmony, no discord, no cacophony, just a symphony of beating hearts merged before we even could emerge. Fire and flame, passion and lust, courage and trepidation, Faith and hope.
Love?
ha ha, let’s wait and see.
Connoisseur of Memories 