I had a friend once, or let me say I thought I had a friend. Basically, I upgraded her to friend and to her I was barely an acquaintance. I figured that out after it was her birthday and I’d gone all out. Well, not exactly all out, but to me it was like the widow’s mite. The funny thing is we are of the same birth month so I didn’t have to wait long for my own gift… Let’s just say I put my all, thinking she would too, only to realize that I wasn’t priority to her at least, not the way I took her.
I learnt that day about prioritizing people and letting people pay dues before putting them on a pedestal, but that’s not the point of this conversation.
So let me back up a bit… I’ve always had this attraction to individuals I think have it all. I mean the entire ensemble: from a solid background, intelligent, beautiful, talented, independent, goal getter, you know the kind that seem to have all the balance including spiritual grip over their lives…
These attracted me to this person; she had a better pedigree than myself (I mean socio-economic), she had a passion she was making money out of even as a student, she could drive, she is pretty, was dating one of the coolest guys on campus. Basically, she was a boss lady. Something, I always picture myself to be but I am more all talk than action.
After learning my lesson, I moved on from the friendship and started watching or let’s say stalking from the sidelines. Next thing I know, she had written a book! It hit me like bam!!! I wasn’t sure I was happy for her or indifferent. My reaction was more like ;what have I been doing with my life?
You know that moment when someone you think already has it all doesn’t seem to want to even slow down for you to catch up at all. I was weak. I intensified my stalking. Followed her everywhere in the shadows (I am not that creepy plus, we aren’t even in the same geographical region anymore)on social media. In some way, she had actually started blowing up, actively engaging in public speaking. Making sense every where with all the trappings of most likely to make it in the next alumni reunion.
Every time I recorded one more achievement from her and none in my corner, it was more depression for me. I was the ‘bad belle’ on the sidelines; that kind of friend that smiles on camera but so easily turns around looking grim.
Then, I cautioned myself, stopped actively stalking her and just focused on myself; building on my strengths(not even deliberately)… just taking more time to mind my business and resisting the urge to use her achievement as a yardstick for my own progress.
Fast forward to months later, I happened to stumble on her page again and suddenly, I could sincerely admire what she was doing for herself yet, feel empowered by my “nothingness”.
In retrospect, which is what this conversation is about, I realized that all of the things she is doing to grow was a conscious decision on her part and it has nothing to do with luck but her desire and ambition. Which is also something I can decide for myself if it’s what I truly want.
Secondly, in this context, I had equal talents, time, beauty, intelligence and creativity but I wasn’t channeling it as productively as she was doing or even as fast. The thing is; I wasn’t even competing, I was resenting my ineptitude by casting aspersions on her productivity without even being ready to take responsibility for my growth.
I also realized that the dimension of her growth is not directly or inversely proportional to my growth. In fact, it has nothing to do with me.
My uniqueness is my security and my identity. I am not supposed to guard it but appreciate it. Growth is imcidental to that appreciation because I become responsible not by comparison.
We don’t talk much; this lady and I, and now she is merely someone I know and like to keep tabs on from time to time (yeah, stalking tendencies don’t just die), but, I know now, how to admire her without diminishing or even considering what it has to do with me. In being responsible for me by chosing to be productive, I am grateful to her for the lesson(s) she was able to bring to me.
Jealousy has different dimensions to it but the underlining fact is: insecurity, doubt, or ignorance about how to exercise control over issues.
I haven’t mastered jealousy yet, I still have to lecture myself from time to time but when I am not sure what side of the divide I am; the crossroad between jealousy and admiration, I question motive. It is always in the why?
Connoisseur of Memories 