There are several memories we’d be happy to let go of and forget, but it is not always that simple. You know why? It is all about grief.
The thing about grief is, I mean, different kinds of grief is the connection to the central idea – loss.
This loss may be temporary or permanent, and this is often the yardstick for the gravity of grief we sustain.
However, grief is not always about what we have lost; it could also be about what we are left with; fragments of disappointed expectations.
The most ironic thing about this loss is that while it is irreplaceable, it somehow leaves us with something else instead.
On one hand, you lose what you think is all you have ever wanted and needed, and then you find out what you have been missing all along because you have something else to prioritise.
This is especially true with relationships. Every love story starts out with the perfect alignment, we feel like this person is all we need, and in some cases, all we’ve been praying for.
It doesn’t take long for human nature to come alive, and we start to see all the cracks in the perfect picture we have painted.
First, we are confronted with the reality that this person cannot be everything to us, and it isn’t going to be for lack of trying. Second, that they are capable of failing us severely, and lastly, that the image we have of them sometimes is a representation of our expectations and not their capacity.
We can’t prevent pain or tragedy. They come when they come. It’s the same with euphoria; some things just make you happy, and even when you try to hide it, the glow shines through.
There is just something about grief that empties us even when we are experiencing fulfillment simultaneously.
It is like being happy with where you are, but always wondering about what would have been if all the other pictures you wanted had fit in. It is a wistfulness as though by thinking on it you can bring back what doesn’t exist anymore, and without the capacity for a future.
When grief is temporal, it doesn’t change the efficacy. You can mourn the loss of a relationship even while still being happy in it.
Take, for example, missing the early days of falling in love when everything was new, and there was so much unknown to explore, the endless calls, the giddy butterfly feeling, and the daydreaming.
At some point, the reality gets better because you get to have this person to yourself constantly and always, but now, they cannot be far away or unknown for you to miss them. Well long moments of absence aside.
Not all of us handle grief well. There is a part of grieving that is about acceptance of the loss suffered.
This is where the majority struggle. In some instances, it is partial acceptance or, in extreme cases, full-on denial of a reality that may never exist.
I think it stems from the idea that everything we face must be resolved, and so if there is no resolution, there shouldn’t be an end, but life doesn’t always pan that way.
In some scenarios, we experience endings even from the beginning. Some are never even given an opportunity for a fraction of a certain kind of reality.
Think of people made orphans at infant hood, think of first dates you know will be the last because the chemistry just isn’t right, even when you thought and wanted that date to turn into more.
When you let go of a reality that you can never have or could have had but didn’t, you may not necessarily forget all the yearnings or moments that made you feel like you got close enough to touch your dreams or live in it, but it’d be enough to accept that you are allowed to make new realities from where you find yourself now.
With the passing of a loved one, this is hard. Because how do you even start picking up the fragment? What does it mean when you can never pick up the phone to call your dad just to chat again, or your mom just to gossip? What does it mean when you may never pick up that child anymore, or never even get to meet the child you were anticipating?
The resolution for grief is acceptance, and just because you are letting go to make space for new doesn’t mean all the beautiful moments cannot come along or that the lessons get wiped. It is the pain we must transform before it holds us back.
Xoxo,
Dcconoisseur.
Connoisseur of Memories 