EINSAM

I am learning a new language and it is interesting how new words begin to replace known words with a depth one can resonate with.

I wanted to name this piece left behind. Einsam is more fitting because it speaks of aloneness.

Too often, I have had to deal with the aftermath of fragmented shared memories like walking through the lake where I strolled with a potential lover. Passing through the favourite restaurant of a friend. Travelling by a city I had my first tryst. Remembering special events that do not belong to me.

Listening to the favourite song of a man I have never met physically but can bet I will fall in love with. Passing by a coffee shop I only visited once but know I will never be able to visit again because the memory was shared…

How I smile at random objects because they remind me of someone, a scooter, smell, hoodie, tender moments of affection… How I remember the first time I knew I was in love with him, the first piece of jewelry he ever gave me, you know I have a pretty bag sitting idle on my dresser because I have not found a reason to wear it or just because it marks the end of an era of a love I wanted to thrive in.

It feels like I am reeling in memories swiping one after the other like I’d do on Instagram only that my mind is twirling with all the bittersweet.

I wonder what memories you got left with? Do we share the same memories at all? I wonder if you can go on making new memories without looking back? Honestly, I am not hurt. I am just curious what your own pictures of left behind look like.

Is it possible that we experience the same things differently in meanings and sentiments?

I know no one came out unbranded. I know we walked through the same doors with different pathways leading to varying conclusions from jointly shared moments.

Now, I will smile as I remember. I want to keep the happy memories. Maybe you can keep the sad ones. I want a trade-in. Oh don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish you sadness or anything remotely close. I just think if we can trade memories maybe we can balance the good and the bad. I don’t want to be wallowing in pitiful memories of missing you when you have more freeing pictures of leaving.

Einsam…

Alone, lonely synonyms of words that do not even touch the depth of what I mean to say but cannot convey. It feels like I am drowning in melancholy but it is the opposite actually I am fighting to press into tomorrow but how can I do that when I am left behind or are you left behind too? or are we just left behind on different sides of the same place?

Loneliness is not just a state, it is place, it is a person but sometimes, loneliness is a memory we hold from moments when we craved anamcara but we couldn’t find that soul friendship. Loneliness is nostalgia about moments we want to return to but can never regain.

I hope that we can smile in loneliness, that we can find the experiences we crave deep within our soul and share that in service of others who may just have run out.

In the end, I chant the words “you are alone in this body.”