THE MANY FACES OF MY LOVERS

Khi was lanky, fair, with no dimples thouh skillful with his hands… Oh come off it you dirty mind, I meant he had talents for the piano. He made me giddy, butterflies and all.

No stolen kisses, no petting, just gifts and memories shared around music and texts but that ended and I met….let’s call him Te.

Actually, I met two guys with the same name coincidentally, they were both trying to date me.

One was almost an alcoholic, a party chaser, the other was almost a scum, definitely a social climber, every bit of a cunny, deceptive playboy… I found out soon enough and changed course as fast.

In between, I found Ei, an artist of some sort because he had my heart in ways I didn’t even know possible. Yet, I didn’t date him because I wanted to preserve our friendship…

He was my lover though. I loved him in some ways too.

I met Nu, on a walk, not exactly, I was introduced to him by a family member.

I didn’t see Nu coming, I fell in love with his quiet confidence, the kindness in his eyes, his spirituality, his eyelashes, and his perfect teeth.

Even then I knew he was a gem but one that I could not keep for myself…

He could not contain the brewing storm I was sure to wield… I broke his heart, I didn’t mean to but it happened anyways.

I segued into Lu. I fell in love with his voice, his brown eyes, oh his eyes…

Did I tell you I have a thing for brown-eyed men? I don’t know if that is a kryptonite but that was my first undoing.

Lu was spontaneous, exotic, daring, intellectual, confident, versatile, romantic, uncaring in a caring way, ready to lavish compliments, always taking pictures of me, making me feel like the most beautiful woman who had ever lived but we couldn’t even explore our love story…

or maybe we did just shorter than I would have wanted.

I met Ahai next.

Ahai had been a constant presence in each phase seeing me through each lover since Nu.

Actually before Nu but he came after Le and it was all about exploration.

I fell even faster than I fell for Lu… It was so unexpected and perfect.

Almost too perfect but nothing lasts forever and it all came tumbling down with me beneath the crumbles…

I experienced more with A than I have ever felt combined. I was left heartbroken, so heartbroken, I was devastated.

Then R came along, then Ash, then, Mo…

Then all the other numerous men who wants in but I cannot even see because I am reeling….

Nameless faces, searching for lost love in strangers…

Hurting and going through the motions. Staying buried and under.

I borrowed Jay for a weekend, he didn’t even know I was borrowing him.

Then Su came and showed me I could have better.

Yo is trying to be my lover but he is just a friend to me.

Sam, said he wants me but not for love.

Adey wants me but I can tell that he has plans straying from love…

My lovers look nothing alike.

I am the common factor yet I am surprised at each woman I meet with each of them.

One is naïve, one is calculating, one is judgmental, one is naughty, one is loyal to a fault.

They are all untamed fighting back.

Wallowing in insecurities, carrying broken pieces of unresolved hurt.

Souvenirs from broken trust, failed promises and conversations gone wrong.

Who is my lover?

Plans have changed for my lovers.

I now want to seek out this lover staring at me each day.

I want to listen to my heartthrob and selfishly pursue desires…

My lover is quiet, in a labyrinth of haze- wading through layers of denial, of contempt, strive, and ego.

Pursuing memories from yesterday, lost in today, searching for tomorrow.

Love is in the embers of my solace

The quiet fortitude that I am enough.

Love begins with me.