She misses the girl she was.
She did not know she was gone until she found herself staring at a picture of what she used to look like.
Unguarded smile, bright eyes potraying hope, clarity, and vision. How it seemed she believed everything was possible.
Where did she go?
She remembers having a conversation one time when someone said, “the thing about change is you don’t know when it is happening. If you did, it’d be easy to go back to undo it” or something like this.
She was never really good with quoting others, too opinionated not to come up with my own words. At least that hadn’t changed. The point is at the moment when your life is changing forever you may not recognize it until it is far too late to turn back or reach for what was once.
She yearns for the girl that longed for a future not the one that she lives with now who waits for time to pass hurriedly as though that’s not a portion of her life speeding away while she zombies.
Drowning in meaninglessness hiding from meaning. The girl that was whimsical and always hummed a musical. The one that liked the soothing sound of her voice, that liked looking forward to something, the girl that found joy in art, that fought for brightness each day with the colors that she wore on her skin.
She misses the girl that looked forward to romance, that believed in fairytale, the girl that played with fantasy and found ways to make them a reality. The girl that had the guts to speak her mind, to demand for more, to choose better always no matter how selfish that seemed.
The girl that woke up knowing she had purpose not yet knowing what that meant but was willing to walk the path to find it.
The girl that played with possibility, danced in starlight, found opportunities to be brave, to put herself out there, to try. The girl that didn’t shy from her path, that sought to take on the world, if nothing else, at least interact with it.
Where is she?
The girl she sees now is resigned, waiting to catch her breath, hoping from one dream to the other with no time to breathe deeply.
The girl who now prays not to live in a nightmare, constantly worried that things may fall apart, living in her dreams but too jaded to want it, seeking a way out and knowing even an escape would not free her. She has become far too realistic.
Time just flies pass, she keeps on thinking some clock is ticking but she doesn’t even know if she should chase her time or let it waste.
This girl is a tad bit more docile, never truly saying what she means, always doubting herself, not affirming how worthy she is, believing she will not be loved like she deserves, arguing what she deserves, forcing herself to shrink into spaces she knows she outgrew years past.
Who is this girl?
I don’t like this replacement. Where is Electra? for the girl she was, was electric, little sun rays of hope, beaming sunshine of imaginative exploration, a cathedral of affirmation and faith, a woman that had the ability to want.
Now, she just accepts, no chasing, no wishing, no wanting, just needing. Why? She’s finally let all the disappointment get to her that now she doesn’t even what to reach for anything out of reach, anything that will require imagination and faith.
She got tired of no redamancy, she got tired of always being the girl that they chose to walk away from. She got tired of not being the girl that got the happy ending.
Now she is content to fit herself in another’s story over her own. Too afraid to write her lines. Wanting what she does not want because it is available. Smiling without depth, wishing and waiting but moving on blindly.
The day she walked away she will never know but she can put one or two events that may have made her lose Electra.
She knows she is never coming back to the girl she once was but even now, she feels an uprising, like the girl she was once may make a return in the body of the woman that she now is.
Who knows, maybe this is her awakening.
Xoxo,
Dcconnoisseur.
Connoisseur of Memories 