Living & Loving

As I write this, I am humming under my breathe the lyrics to the song “Just the two of us” and that’s the state of mind you want to be in as you read this post.

I love what companionship signifies, especially in a wholesome union where each part is completely allowed to exist as entirely who they are without the need to alter or pretend to be accepted, but that is not even the greatest part of companionship; it is the synergy it brings, the ability to be alone while being together without ever having to feel alone.

In my life, I have been lucky to be in wholesome relationships with females and males alike. Relationships that feel like a unit and a support group at the same time. I have had friends who have made rainy days feel like a dream and cold winter days like a warm hug. From the endless brilliant conversation to the mindless chatter of ranting, the solid show of enthusiasm for even subjects they do not understand, how they support your decision even when they do not agree with your choice, and just sheer camaraderie.

It’s moments like this that put the high in life most times, even when nothing is funny. I had a friend with whom I shared most of my university days, as I was often indoors. Living in close proximity gave room for late-night talks, which I often dozed off early from. Early morning banters, Korean series binge-watching, cooking spree after almost fainting from hunger due to our combined laziness. Gossip and gist, exes and crushes. Tales of encounters and goodbye, and just the mere drudgery of sharing boredom.

Moments of silent starring into space, singing off key (she was a gifted singer), being criticized in close proximity, learning to laugh at jokes you don’t find funny because you’d rather laugh than explain how wrong the sentence is on so many levels or have your sense of humor criticized for being nonexistent. Setting boundaries and breaking them, careful deliberated and sometimes unconscious exposure to influence, acquiring new habits through the sheer force of a shared space.

These moments build something profound; it is not just about the bonding, it is also about conflict resolution, constant adaptation and reassessment, but more importantly, understanding acceptance in a way that cannot be faked. You come to a point where you know that you are not perfect, neither are they, but you still feel like you are exactly where you want to be, even with a lot of issues to walk through and so many you know you will probably never solve, but won’t quit the friendship for anyway.

A little daily dose of drama that reminds you exactly what love means because this will always be your person against the world, even when they are annoying. It makes me wonder then why we fear choosing a person forever, and the grand concept of finding the one and falling in love and choosing to be with them through thick and thin. I think it is the grandiose that comes with the reality of permanence and starting a family, making tough choices, navigating life’s hurdles, and just simply existing through the number of days.

If you look closely, you’d have already been doing this in the little pockets of friendship, with flatmates you bond with, family that you sometimes despise but will still often stand up for.

What makes those relationships different from romantic unions? And why do they tend to survive longer than romantic relationships, even when it is possible that those relationships sometimes also begin with perfect strangers, other than families, of course?

I am not forgetting dysfunctional families, and I am not saying these relationships are ideal. My question simply is, why do we handle permanence differently in these relationship dynamics? Is it due to the expectations, or the level of intimacy needed to sustain it?

I think it may have to do with expectation, functionality and inevitability. Maybe it is because we have this idea that we cannot do anything about the family we get that makes us willing to try endlessly. It is with the family we choose that we can exercise some modicum of control, including walking away.

It may also have to do with the fact that with some of these types of relationships, there is a reasonable distance that eventually takes place. For example, moving out of the family home or the dormitory or shared apartment, ending a work relationship, etc.

With lovers, I think the idea is that they merge into our lives so the goal is not to create distance but to navigate proximity and intimacy and maybe why we tolerate all the other kinds of relationship is that we somehow live with something akin to a countdwn clock even when we are not consciously counting.

What if we are looking at this all wrong, and it is really about patience and readiness to stay because you see such a person as inevitable and not replaceable?

I think navigating a world of dating apps and scrolling romance is partly the reason we think we can always replace people with some other form of social arrangements that better suit our compromise.

I think I digress here; what this is about is perspective. In the season where we celebrate the reminder of love, let’s reflect on what truly makes love meaningful. It is the inescapability, the total surrender, the acceptance of the doom and the blessing without as much resistance, the complete reassurance that we are never truly alone when it matters, that we are worthy of acceptance even with all the fashion of our imperfections.

Happy Valentines.

Xoxo,

Dcconnoisseur.