Now that we’ve closed the door

To love is to hurt but even grieving comes to an end…

As in a reverie, she thought, It wasn’t that long ago she felt the esctasy of a new connection with the trappings that felt like love, the days were brighter, the hard days seemed to pass like a breeze, life felt like a kite, a bit in the air, chasing clouds, soaring free, propelled by the intention of fun and laughter.

Now, everything just seem to pass in a blur, days merge into the other amidst her depressive haze, red rimmed eyes, moments of spacing out in the middle of the day because she could no longer recognize what color happy days wore when they visited.

She remembered when all she had were hopes and dreams for a life she could build, the little doors to the happy room she´d create with him. Doors that would eventually open to little giggles, tiny feet, trusting eyes, doors that would open to a place they’d call home, doors opening to usher them into the aircraft before they’d stand in the summer cabin by the beach, the sounds of many more people in this place called family.

None of this was going to be. In fact, later, she´d start to wonder if she dreamt of this relationship, as though in a long night mare one wishes would end but is too real to have been dreamt. Not only that, the scars remain present even more so than the happiness and when she touches her eyes and feel the tears drop without knowing why, she knows for sure that her heart has seen ‘shege`, that much she can acknowledge.

Just like yesterday she remembers the ending of a love that didn´t even get to fully begin, it is like being cut off in the middle of a high, dropping so hard from the clouds that you plunge into the depths of the deep blue sea. She remembers feeling like she had to preserve that scene the one where she was happy because maybe if she swam to the surface of this blackness, she`d be able to reach again for the life that was once hers. She was also afraid that if she touched anything in that scene she might miss her chance to catch a glimpse of him, the one her heart easily fell for as though she were drugged.

You know she always thought he’d come back even if it was just to say goodbye properly for all the doors he forcefully shut, for the dreams he rudely woke her from and the nightmare he replaced it with, she thought he’d maybe one day realize how much they had together in the short time and be willing to pay the price to row them back to the happy place. He had no such plans. When he came, it was as though he wanted to confirm that she’d never leave the dark. Like he deserved absolution as she was to bring him redemption while carrying  the weight of his deceitfulness and cowardice.

Just like happiness pass, this sadness too will fade. Thank God life is a roller coaster! Now she feels at the bottom of the swing but surely the high will come again.

In the meantime, she’ll dry her eyes and pick one broken dream after the other. It’s time to knit again. Maybe this time there’d be a tapestry of wonder.

With cuddles,

Dcconnoisseur.