Billet Doux

Hello there,

Today I am going to pass the microphone to the other side…

We all talk about a love that was meant to be, that just happened so easily and effortlessly, the type that makes it feel like cupid was working overtime when the love arrow was shot to establish some soul encounters. The passion is right, the chemistry is great, with the intensity at the right temperature, appropriate pressure, matched energy, and perfect vibes.

No one talks about the people who have to build piece by piece every layer of affection they ended up receiving, people who had to start over from the burnt scratch- rising just like a phoenix, the ones who come just after a broken heart, the love stories that started because of rejection. Technically, the second best option or what we often profoundly call “the settlement.”

No one talks about the love that started with the shadows, the love that began with searching for their traits in another, in shades and pieces of brokenness, the vagaries and dimension of self depreciation and wallowing, love that started from loathing, defensive sabotage, that later becomes an inferno. No one is talking about people who stay for the left overs, the wall flowers or the person whose choice was no choice at all.

No one shines the light on siblings who have to be understanding about their parents focusing all their attention on the problematic kid because the independent and obedient child seems to be doing alright, people who become taught to no longer ask for help even when they are too tired to stand.

We don´t often talk about people who never fully get the love they want because they have become bridges for the sustainability of other relationships, people who are third wheels that cannot unhinge because that trio is the center of their universe even if they are not a vital component of a duo.

The observers who watch things they desire happen for others but keeps waiting for their turn to come…

How often do we talk about those waiting on the shelf to be picked, to be loved too? wondering if they are even worthy of being selected. Holding their breath as a new lover access their worth. I heard somewhere the term “relational shopping” which refers to the process of selecting a partner the way we would shop for groceries or gadgets, weighing the item, trying to find specifications that match our ideals. Apparently, “relation-shipping” is about finding a person and deciding to explore knowing them not based on their perfection but on their willingness to try. (don´t ask me to explain this, I am not the psychologist here.)

I am just here to shine the light on all the other types of love that feels inadequate maybe because it doesn´t look like the beginning of the love we expect, the type of love that emerges from our dysfunction, the artificial isolation we imbibe on ourselves simply because we have impossible standards, the type of standards that we claim is based on high value but is simply an indicator of fear, fear of anything less than perfect, fear of mistakes and not being in control.

Today, I am shining the light on all the people that you have chosen but will never choose you in return because they are also chasing after people who will never choose them. The love we deny ourselves because earnestness isn´t just enough, because we think desire must be the bedrock, the kind of love we shun simply because we think that love must be linear or binary.

I am addressing the infatuation we mistake for love because it had intensity. whereas, the real problem is that we are looking for excitement even though what we need to learn is our adaptability to mundane or more succinctly, the ability to cope with boring. The kind of love we build on our idea of ease and hedonism as oppose to sacrifice and decision, values and stoicism.

The love we walk away from because our need to preserve our ego is more important than our need for love, the love we shun because we want to prove that we can be happy alone, the love we shy away from because we cannot bear to be hurt anymore, the love we ignore because we believe there is always going to be a more perfect person out there for us that is our twin flame not just our soul mate.

The love we hide from because we don´t want to compromise our sense of privacy and the need to belong solely to ourselves without explanation to another. What we call freedom. The place we hibernate that prevents love from reaching us because it matters that we preserve our sanity above all else.

The kind of love we chase because of variety being the spice of life, the 20% that we think we need even when we have the 80%. The love we think we must still figure out because we are not certain. The never ending tale of the reasons why we shouldn´t…

The real question is if there is ever any guarantee in life? if in the death all these will matter? whether you make this mistake in love or not, whether you will still not experience pain, whether the pain of loneliness or the pain of compromise. Someone said to me: “even good things come with compromises. You pay a price for fame as you would for anonymity. “

I think there is no better way to end this than these words “There is no fear in love; perfect love drives out all fear. So then, love has not been made perfect in anyone who is afraid, because fear has to do with punishment.“

Till next time, remember you are worthy of love in every state of your being.

Keep your head high.

-Dcconoissuer.