Half Volume

I was reading a book about two writers who fell in love when I came across this phrase “half Volume” used to depict an existence devoid of its full capacity.

As I started to ponder on the intricacies belying half Volume living, I likened the effect to listening to your favorite song at a low decibel that you easily miss your best lines as opposed to when you are screaming at the top of your lungs, trying to catch up with the lyrics while jumping on the bed and going gaga.

Half volume living is not just about experiencing life in the lowest possible form, or in a weakened state after being beaten down by weight of decisions, guilt and consequences. No, not just that, it is also about moments we deny ourselves of experiencing all that we have capacity for because we want to play it safe or because we don’t want to exist too loudly or take up space. It is when we let our self doubts override our innate capacity.

It is when we let our mistakes hold us back from pursuing the dreams we hold because we no longer feel deserving. I think some of my favorite mantras that hold me up in moments as these are: ,”broken crayons still color” and another that my church in college used to repeat “out of the broken pieces of our past, God can build an edifice of hope.”

You don’t escape half volume living just because you have found purpose and are walking on the path of purpose. It is still always going to be half volume when you are doing less than you have capacity for, when you keep holding on to past victories because the uncertainty of new grounds may question and defeat your existing championship. It is still half volume when you won’t walk through the fear and doubt or when you let shame hold you back from speaking or standing boldly and worthily, when you let bitterness hold you back from love, or when you let regrets keep you from trying again and again and again…

Oh, that our tenacity will not fail, oh, that we keep expanding and exerting the frontiers of our doubts, that we dare to try something new, to practice things we know we’d fail at so we can begin again and learn, to let curiosity drive our creativity, and sincerity validate the answers we receive to the questions we ask, that we learn successful ways to fail, accept uncertainties as part of the curve and just keep growing.

I think to navigate this terrain where half volume is not an option, we must intermittently ask “Am I capable of more” if the answer is in the affirmative, the next step will be to decide what more is and unabashedly pursue.