Tacenda

I always dream of a great life even when I cannot say for certain how the intricate details of greatness would appear in my reality but I have a feeling this is a common dilemma. If I were to attempt an interpretation, I’d say it’s living up to one’s imagination in a way that defies one’s present reality, the inspiration that comes with being exactly who you are on the inside-outside. It is not just in some of us, it is in all of us.

How can I say that I want it all, every shape and shade of happiness that is possible to have and even the one that can be created if it has never been in existence? How can I be so brave to demand exactly what I want out of life bit by bit, precept by precept? How can I take control of a reality that does not want to succumb? A reality ordinarily designed to make me feel helpless and out of control. How can I fight for abundance when it feels like all I have been trying to do so far is keep my head above the water?

Every great story starts with a price and the price is one that sometimes comes unannounced, where you’d never know how much it’d cost until you have to pay. It is at this moment the majority of us turn back and that is understandable, we do not necessarily have to love walking through the shadow of death even if our desired destination is on the other side. What if the other side of fear is not faith but more fear because even a greater price will be demanded that will have one needing to wear the courage suit again like the superhero who has to kit up again just after slaying a dragon because Gotham never gets free of bad guys?

How do I lay my plans on the table when it seems like I am already living another plan handed out to me? It seems like my dream; only when I wake up, some scenes are missing, the part where I felt at ease, in control, blissful. This a chaotic mess of disjointed whispers that sounds original but I know are borrowed. I am staying in the shadows hoping for the light to find me but what if I am hiding from the light and telling myself a lie because the truth requires courage and responsibility to be, no excuses?

Who will take up that mantle? It has my name on it I can see, I want to touch it but I see the weight already in the fold, the lustre crown doesn’t fool me. I know it must weigh a ton. How do I apply myself to this journey, this meddlesome storm where nothing will be left standing, every corner, every shade tossed and turned, no time nor place to hide because it is a battle for wills only that the winner isn’t applauded, the winner bears the scar of survival and lives to fight another day.

Shalom…

I want to be great in love too. How can I say I want it all or nothing at all, I want the stars, the galaxies, and all the planets lined up, found, and unfound. I want perfection and humanity, pleasure, and pain, and I want to be chosen constantly even when I may not measure up. How can I describe the inferno, the great chasm that echoes in the silent hallway of doubt where all the embers of my being are smoking and no fireman can douse because the light is a glow from within, consuming me as it consumes the path I am on?

How can I say I want the adoration you may be incapable of giving, How can I ask to be so secure in your love that all my insecurities starve and die? Shadow lover, light bearer, how should I tell you I want nothing if everything is not on the line? Give me all or nothing at all, every corner of your heart, every song that makes your heartbeat, every chaos you can’t organize, the mental and ill, the part that is also fading away. Let my fire flame your wood. Cast spells that no kiss can break because we are willing prisoners in this story of love.

How can I say I love you when it is like I wake up with you being me at the same time? How do I explain this, I mean, I don’t know where you end and where I begin. No, I did not lose myself, I gained you but how could I pour out my heart and you couldn’t even decipher its very essence?

I do not want a love that cannot bring its essence, the type that defies the senses, miracle- walking on water, spoken words of faith. A love that cannot see me as I should be but wants to mold me to images I cannot fit because it is becoming. I do not want a love that will bend me out of shape so much that I cannot find myself. No, I will not choose a love that does not choose me, I will rather spend each day reminding myself that I deserve all the light I seek, that is the way I will spend my days loving myself. So, No darling, if you are not bringing all, bring nothing at all.

I once read somewhere that man needs three things to be truly happy. Purpose- what to do, Love- to have and to hold, and something to hope for. I think this is profound because it sums the length and breathe of human aspirations despite the diversity we foster with our uniqueness.

If you could choose your fate would you seek to know or seek to create?

I read that fate exists but only so much as we believe in it. It is our believing that fuels predestination.

Life stories are a never ending tale, one that shape shifts with each turn. Just when you think you are finally getting a hang of it, the helm gets a little out of hands, carnage set loose and you are there again fighting to keep from drowning but that is the miracle, you live to tell yet another tale of how you’ve lived.