EMBRACING THE UGLY

My favourite scene in the movie “The School of Good and Evil” is that scene in the school for the ugly where ugliness was extolled as a virtue, a superpower even. It was something along the lines of “ugliness empowers us because we have nothing to fear.” It is more that ugliness is freeing from conformity because, unlike beauty that seems to thrive on a template and standard. There is no perfect way to be ugly. Ugly simply is ugly and somehow everyone just accepts that.

Now, understand that I am using ugliness loosely in this sense and specifically referring to physical appearance.

I have always been defensive about my insecurities, especially when involved romantically. I rarely condone any comment that may make me feel remotely undesirable to my lover. I attack such a comment with a vivacity that may be akin to murderous.

Someone said to me “OMG, you are looking chubby, you are going to be ugly and have a fat nose when you are pregnant!” Trust me, I know this person did not mean it as an insult or even spitefully. This person was genuinely expressing their view on my chubby cheeks and to be honest, I laughed when I heard this.

It wasn’t until I was on a call with another friend and was narrating the experience that I realized I just may have unlocked a new level of insecurity. Future insecurity if you may. This friend said something interesting about how this was one of his fears, his partner adding weight and being undesirable during pregnancy and possibly after childbirth. Of course, I came for him indirectly by rejecting the possibility of ever being shackled to that kind of a partner even in a nightmare.

After I had time to reflect, I had to ask myself some questions one of which was why were you triggered? why are you insecure? why are you afraid of not conforming to a beauty model? What is wrong with being ugly?

I understand that these questions raised may not be wholistic because beauty is not bad either and it comes with its privileges but in essence, beauty is also not a virtue.

Fast forward to some couple of days later, the friend who made the comment about my face called to complain that they were adding face fat too. I realized that the comment made earlier was just a projection of their insecurity not necessarily a representation of fact of my beauty or ugliness. Can I even say my beauty? Can a person take ownership of beauty? Let me not go there…

Another conversation with the friend who mentioned that one of his fear was that his partner would become undesirable when pregnant came up again but from a totally different perspective. Now, I was more welcoming of his narrative because I could isolate it from my insecurities and just distinguish that he had as much right to his feelings as I did mine.

This time around I was able to explain that long-term relationships eventually end up as negotiations on priorities and loving a person. Attraction is sustainable if it is coming from a genuine place and as such, it is subject to change. What attracts you to a person may not always be the exact thing that helps you stay attracted to them but it does not mean you will not find other attractive qualities if loving them is what’s important.

It is okay to have these conversations however triggering they may be. Beauty has its privileges just as much as ugliness do. What people find attractive is varies so that’s the spice but tell me why I look at my face recently in a picture and I legit notice my fat nose?

I looked at that picture from various angles and all I could see was ugliness. I was not content with the facial perspectives this photo revealed. I really wanted to look like a slay queen at the drop of a hat. To be picture perfect, photogenic, to evoke compliments and even wonder if it is on the table but as I have started to ask myself lately, what is so wrong with ugliness that you cannot allow it?

In this sense, I mean imperfection. What is so wrong with not having it all in the sense of what is acceptable as beautiful?

No, do not give me the patronizing comeback of “Don’t say that, you are beautiful.” If no one else can relate to this, I am sure females can. We have days we wake up and feel ugly. I am yet to figure out why this happens despite having a healthy sense of esteem.

Why do we relate with ugliness like darkness and beauty like light even when both are based on perception? To be honest, some people are just stunning even when they show up in dreams always dripping glory but my point is have you noticed that when you cannot stand imperfection in yourself it makes it even harder to stand it in others or to cling to perfection as a prison from imperfection. Beauty does not free you from ugliness or perfection does not free you from imperfections so long as you are human.

Beauty like ugliness is a state (momentary if you ask me considering how fleeting youth is) it is not an identity.

When I raise questions in my mind like Why do I look at myself sometimes and feel ugly? When does this happen? More often than not, I find that this feeling usually surfaces when there is an environment of comparison or expectations to meet up with an ideal.

This is why ugliness is freeing. There is no confinement for the form ugliness takes. People just say stuff like “oh, that guy is ugly” and with that statement comes this lucid acceptance of that ugliness. it may even lead to avoidance of association which I think helps this “ugly person” weed out fake people.

when the subject matter is beauty, you hear many sides of analysis, the hair (length & texture), the nails, complexion, dentition, the shape of eyes and colour, nose, ear, height, bone structure, fashion sense, diction, vocabulary, voice, posture, body shape, smell, and it goes on and on… with beauty, there is always one more ladder to climb.

It is often advised that we take advantage of our beauty and make it work to our advantage. I want to give tangent advice too. Take advantage of your ugliness it brings you lessons beauty could never teach about ingenuity, permanence, appreciation, forgiveness, and acceptance.

I guess the point of this post is to serve as a meaningful notice of kindness. Be kind to yourself.

Ugliness is not a crime, nor an identity, it is merely a state but if you want to be esoteric like me, next time you feel ugly simply tell yourself I am in a ugly state. I need to visit beauty. Think of it as a tale of two cities.

Another perspective to this post is accepting your vulnerabilities not as a disadvantage but as the imperfect perfection necessary for our humanity. Anyways, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, maybe hold up the mirror really close and behold your beautiful.

To be continued…

Maybe not.