Every time I tried to draw a perfect picture I came back short. I stare and stare but all the flaws just become real.
Do you know what I fear? That I may never attain that which I think I should be because that which I am is exactly as I ought.
You don’t have to be useful to be worthy. That you are is worthy.
Even reciting this mantra daily does not combat all the self doubts and chaotic assemblage of failed attempts of knowing that even this knowledge will not carry me beyond practice.
The constant need to be perfect or considering one’s self never good enough are equal sides of the same malady.
The chase of control, organization, the need to labor in predictability, the illusion that we somehow can handle everything if we are prepared.
You don’t need my validation to know how funny that is. It is so ironic that we don’t even get to control every breathe we inhale. How can we imagine that we can control every experience?
I like what someone said to me “let’s not cry over what is certain. It is assured, we are all going to die. It is for the uncertainties in life we pray”.
We are all going to die has been my nihilist mantra for a while now and yet I don’t think I am accepting of the inevitability of the end of life.
Okay, this post wasn’t supposed to be macabre so I am going to recalibrate to the focal point.
The highest struggle in our humanity isn’t even in the greed of always wanting more, or the constant need to compare ourselves with others, what we call “taking notes”, “keeping tabs”. I think it is in non acceptance of how fragile we are, how obtuse we can be, how gloriously wrong and messy our thoughts process and decisions can be.
Despite our brilliance, we can never be perfectly human that’s what spirits are for.
If words are the only things that haunt us, the question is what kind of words do you leave for yourself? Imagine that you have to spend each day leaving a kind message for yourself, what will that jar of kind words contain?
I am not doing so well with this idea myself but it’s worth spreading, a messy life is life, being imperfect is human, aspiring for perfection is noble, accepting imperfection is wisdom.
The extent to which we can accept imperfection in ourselves helps us to be empathetic towards others. In the words of a constant voice “relax your butt”.
No amount of organizing can fix what was supposed to be messy.
Till next time, be kind, be messy, remind yourself that you are worthy just because.
Xoxo,
Dcconnoisseur 😘
Connoisseur of Memories 