This post was inspired by a conversation with a friend that ended up being my soliloquy.
I am sure we all have these limbo moments where we know we are not where we used to be, but we are also so far from where we want to go. This continuous process of defining dreams and setting ambition, chasing goals, and recording wins or losses.
It happens in relationships, too, but maybe differently. First, I do not think love is an ambition you can set or aspire to achieve like a goal, but I think loving is character development and that may require goal setting on what to consciously improve. In relationships, you swing from moments when you are facing a total stranger with all the possibilities of what they could become to too familiar that the mystery is gone.
Even in the monotony of familiarity, there is this need or constant desire to explore the different dimensions of love possible within the confines of what your relationship allows. However, nobody talks about the in-between spaces where you are not fully secure in what you have, and you are not sure if you will ever be.
For example, what makes a successful long-term relationship? Forget that the answer seems pretty obvious; the follow-up question is what qualifies as long-term? Is there a reasonably agreeable timeline that classifies as long enough to be long-term, like 10, 20, or 30 years, maybe? Is a relationship that lasted 30 years no longer successful simply because it ended? What about relationships that only an ending was fitting for the journey? Or is there no space for the contemplation of such events? Do not get me wrong, I am not alluding to just the termination of a relationship through a breakup or divorce, rather, the fact that everything in life runs a course and at some point comes to an end. The question is, does that ending reduce the efficacy of the purpose that such a relationship served?
Take, for instance, as a newlywed, at what point do you start feeling like you have a successful marriage? At least enough to confidently speak on a podcast 🤣. Is there a time benchmark, like maybe after 5 years, after surviving shared trauma, after the loss of both parents, after becoming parents, when the kids move out? When you navigate poverty, wealth, or health decline?
Is it possible that longevity is not part of the equation for a successful relationship, rather the commensurate delivery in terms of purpose? In essence, some relationships are only meant for lessons, or for a season, and they were never really meant to last a lifetime. Or is longevity only relevant in the calculation of each quality moment acquired, not necessarily marked by days but by experience and the enriching quotient of navigating such experiences? What I mean is, how each day is spent matters relatively compared to the years accumulated. The value is only appreciable when each day is spent fulfilling the purpose for the union (whatever the couple decide).
Another possible interpretation is the relevance of the experiences multiplied by how many lunar cycles one is able to sustain monotony, chaos, and uncertainty. The question is, who are the real winners, and is there a need for a winning marker? Is it not enough that you lie each day feeling like you are exactly where you are supposed to be, even when not everything is aligned?
Should you live in fear because you are in doubt whether your relationship will stand the test of time? Should you not feel confident in your love just because what you deem sufficient years have not passed? As though the passage of time lends credence to the genuineness of the relationship. I think it is a cumulative factor and not the only determinant.
While it is true that time tests all things, I think the beginning and in-between are equally as important as the ending, i.e., every moment counts in the experience of love. Security in a relationship should not be based on accumulated tests and trials, but rather assurance that there is a sustainable commitment to navigate every decided turn together. Also, thinking you need years to feel successful just means there’s a part of you that is constantly holding your breathe for a goal post that may keep shifting.
Rather than focus on longevity, even though relevant, I think time in this journey should be spent on shared values and shared joys. Consistent pursuit of discovery, learning, unlearning, adapting, thriving, and surviving. In the end, you cannot control some endings but at least you can laugh out loud for as long as the ride goes on.
Stop waiting for the inevitable end to finally liberate yourself, live loud, learn, grow, and accept pain and joy without resistance.
Xoxo,
Dcconoisseur.
Connoisseur of Memories 