This is a post about trying to escape pain but having to deal with it anyway.
For a person who unaccustom to keeping secrets, it must be hard finding who to trust when by default you seem to think everyone is trustworthy.
Why do you think that should change now? is it because of the hurt? is it because you learned the bitter taste of betrayal? or do you now know it is a matter of maturity to choose who you reveal yourself to?
Too bad though, now you have tried to make filters, you must learn to keep secrets within the crevices of your mind or find another sounding board. Can you even trust the sounding board not to betray you again?
why do we try to find solace for our wounded soul? why do we aspire to be a better person? What is this life about? Is it easier to realize its vanity and forgive? or is it better to remain cautious, wounded, and protected?
I have found myself at this cross-road grieving. Why did this happen to me? why did I have to face this? I read somewhere that asking this question is an indirect way of wishing it happened to another person. Am I allowed not care right now?
Hurt is a present thing, it stays even when you want to push against the pain it presents. it festers even when you don’t want it to leave a scar. Then, it pretends, to let you feel whole for a moment, you’d feel almost convinced that you are perfectly fine until it sneaks up on you and takes its rightful place in the gaping hole within your chest.
Why does life distribute its fair share of pain? It is almost as if sorrow is a must. A collective treasure like heartbreak. If only wisdom could limit the sting of pain. If only understanding could make forgiving and forgetting easier.
At last, we do whatever it is we choose to do for our sanity because it doesn’t take long to realize especially when we’ve been hurt that we have been alone in this body all along.
I remember the time I watched others suffer not sensitive enough to understand why they mourn so. is this a test for me to learn my sensitivity? How I wish some cup passed over me…
Is this me feeling sorry for myself? I wouldn’t know to care. I just want a way out of this quagmire.
Let me out…
Xoxo,
Dcconnoisseur.
Connoisseur of Memories 