Wavering

Do you randomly stumble on a memory and then try to follow up on it?

It happened to me today. I remembered a childhood radio presenter that died from sickle cell complications and I just wanted to see her somehow again.

I got curious about the husband she left behind, if he was coping with her loss, how he moved on with life.

I didn’t follow up much on it after I had the satisfaction of seeing she somehow still existed in pictures and blogpost. A beautiful memory of existence captured in stillness.

I am reading a book, laying cozy in a sort of content state but with all the hesitation of wonder that comes with rummaging through words. Alphabet against alphabets that somehow captures relatable living.

I oscilate between gratitude for predictability and yearning for novelty. The quiet raging cry to escape routine. I am happy, though not a constant grin on my face type happy, it’s more the well this is my life and I am going to live it type of happy.

I really think Jay cole was up to something with the lines “there’s no such thing as a life that’s better than yours” but how many times have you compared yourself with others and fallen short or sometimes felt superior? No matter how often you think it’s bad or good there’s always this stark reminder that there’s worse and better.

I think comparison may be linked to caring what others think of you. The need to fit in, to blend with the melange of unspoken expectations that we all somehow keep fuelling to keep it going then brand tradition.

She said to me “you seem to care what other people think” and I haven’t gotten over that line. It is not that it is bad to spare a thought for others, it may even be considered considerate. However, to be so considerate of others that you forget that others also owe you the consideration to be yourself may be unwholesome.

Life is incredibly responsible so much that it requires ownership. Your thorough participation in holding the reins. In this jungle of experience it’s admirable to pursue completeness. A type of steadiness that is acquired from being planted and sowing roots.

Today is not for deep talks and lessons. It is a reminder to breathe deeply, love leisurely yet fiercely, be unafraid to try and try again. This is a reminder that you are still here, so make it count.

Xoxo,

Dcconnoisseur.