JUST BE

I don’t know if there is a right way to be loved but I have always prayed for a man who would love me, defend me and put himself for me selflessly.

You know, to have someone undividedly mine. To just know that they will give anything and everything to be part of my life for as long as they can.

To have someone want to be with me unquestionably, undoubtedly and most assuredly. Like a mating bond; one which  cannot be broken without a loss of self in the process too.

For someone to love me like I am the extension of their soul and body. Like that was why they were made. Such engulfing love that makes us lost to the world almost idyllic…Such loftiness.

As I descend from this picturesque, I ask myself the pertinent question: is this even possible? If it is, why am I not like that?

Instead, I am plagued with self doubt about who the one is and what love should be. Always striving to rise above my pettiness and the need to eschew fidelity and commitment because it seems like too much to ask these days.

Not just because it is easier to claim vanity than to aspire above it, but also because no one wants to be vulnerable anymore- even me, to completely give one’s self over to another who feels the same but may fail you eventually.

No one wants to be weak and susceptible to hurt. It seems like we cannot avoid hurt no matter how we prepare to escape it. It is hitched to the very decision to live and love.

So, here I am hoping for the unattainable as a reality simply because it has been portrayed in novels and movies and I have imbibed some of these ideals as what it means to love and be in love.

Passionate moments, chemistry, compatibility, friendship, affluence, loyalty, and utter dedication borderline adoration and worship… the kind of narrative that involves transcending one level of enjoyment to another… No dull moment.

Banal issues like lack of money, depression, bad chemistry, insecurity, jealousy, working till tiredness to pay the bills, in-laws, exes and bad wishers don’t exist. It is all rainbow and sunshine.

Ok, back to the main point.

I want a love that is out of this world, the type that can be found in fantasy and when I am confronted by it in real life, I say it isn’t real because we have issues that don’t appear in books.

Nobody is prepared for the unexplained unique complexity that comes with navigating devotion, Faith and the unknown. The only time this may actually work out is when there is a party that is infaillable.

As long flawsome persons are involved, loving will come with tons of forgiveness, self reassurance and constant urge to resist temptations all about. Oh, yes there’d be plethora of those not just for the philanderer but also the faithful. This is how character is tested or built if I daresay.

Do I know what it is like to be loved the way I prayed for? Probably, but there is also a possibility that I escaped it because one other element was missing. It is also possible that I am living in it but I am too fixated on all the errors that detracts from its perfection.

Either way, my ideal has not match my real. I am swinging between creating an imaginary reality and living in the momemt still being recorded.

It is possible that I let all the echoes of dark woes plague my burgeoning light or am I simply incapable of accepting the love I crave because I want it to happen by magic instead of living through the journey?

I think the journey is as important as the destination or the journey is also a destination depending on where you want to stop.

What do you say we pick this up some other time? This addled brain wants rest.

Xoxo

Dcconnoisseur 😘