I heard these lines from a movie; “what do you do while waiting?”
Do we spend our time waiting for the one or do we keep living and somehow that leads us to the one we were meant to be with?
Is there even such a thing? If there was, it would presuppose that there is one person meant for each of us. I do not believe that in the slightest bit.
As I write this, I am seated on my bed the song ringing in my head is “stay” by Rihanna. I had just finished a movie that actually moved me to tears. By the way, I had dismissed the movie as being rubbish since I preferred the first season but that is besides the point.
The point is I don’t know how to write what I can feel churning inside me. It feels like a labyrinth and each path that opens before me is just a reminder that there are many more parts to explore but I think that is the beauty; words never end, they keep creating the stories we need to express… so join me as I try to unravel my mind.
If you’ve noticed, it is as though there are two different introductions that do not continue into the other, at least meaningfully. That is because I had started writing this piece before now and that was the perspective present at the first draft but now I am here.
The lines that changed the trajectory were “you were the love of my life but I was not yours”, ”when I am with her, I feel like I am enough”. I think these words are powerful with so much nuances to unpack and trust me it may require an entire book but I will explore word economics here and aim for brevity and clarity but I am not promising anything.
I almost do not want to continue writing because this feels like a piece that may expose my yearnings and I truly avoid being vulnerable about stuff like these to unknown audience but I think this is a path everyone of us walk. The path that wanders and searches for things that we are unable to define as we start but one we know we are missing.
A path that sometimes we cannot vocalize because it is too scary to believe that we want it that much, that’d we’d give up the familiar and choose the unknown.
Some of us never do because it is so hard to stay, to wait, to believe that we’d get what we deserve if we are patient because it feels like the world is moving on without us, spinning in eternity that we’d never catch up, like we are missing out on something, never mind that we know are aware that we do not even know what is out there that we are waiting for.
Maybe we do but we just cannot articulate it because we know once we do we may never be able to go back. We may never be able to deal with the disappointment that may come from not finding it or being it.
The question is what to do we do while we wait?
For many of us, we try to rush the process, we try desperately to fit people into the image we want to create, or worse of all, we begin to fragment ourselves so we can get attached to people we were never meant to fit in the first place. We take the pain of chiseling all our edges to fit and still not feeling like we are adequate.
This is when we think of the “one” the one that will accept us for all we are and all we want to be but the problem is we have been shaving off parts of us desperately that we ought to have been shining the spotlight on. So, when the “one” shows up we are already used to hiding, we have gathered so many broken pieces trying to fit temporary people who have long absconded with some vital elements of ourselves that makes up the whole.
I think sometimes we are not just content within ourselves and this has nothing to do with self worth, it is more about the need to define ourselves in the way we think is “proper” or the way we “ought” to be but definition must follow from the right consciousness if not, we miss the point.
If there’s any message in this post, it is simply that the one is you. You should accept you for even your failed parts, the parts of you that do not add up. You are the one you’re waiting for, you are always with the one because the one is you. Of course we seek without what is truly within.
The search is not for the one, it is for “another one”.
Xoxo,
Wandering (dcconnoisseur).
Connoisseur of Memories 