PERFECTLY LYING

This piece is a reminder that being brave also looks like saying “I am not okay”.

We were set to talk

Not what you are thinking…

It wasn’t ‘the talk.’ More random catch up and small talk…

To be honest, I couldn’t care less to open my mouth and that’s why we are doing it with letters on screen back and forth.

Today, this is particularly helpful. My real self; scratch that, the tangible me is not willing to be social but on a social platform, I am sociable.

So…

He says: “how are you?”

I go the typical monotone response; Fine with the smiling emoji😊(who says hapiness is color yellow with a stretch?)

Anyways, I am far from fine but unloading your problems is no way to make small talk so I keep it light. By pretending.

Nothing meaningful. Just mindless ‘jiber jaber'( my version of a chitchat) we go back and forth. Talking but never really saying anything…

Funny enough, this was supposed to be a way for us to know each other. Well, you can check mindless communication of the list. We seem to be doing alright.

I want to go on about what we said but there is nothing there. Some words go with a presence that cannot be felt, not behind heedless pretense emojis at least.

There is no story here…

It led to nothing.

I am still not talking but I still react on a screen as my alter ego dictates.

Deep down. I wish everything will just keep quiet and the silence wouldn’t be so loud anymore.

it is not that I cannot reach out to a soul. It is that I am lost to souls barricades by screens.

…

I want to say more but words won’t come. I have probably been mute so long that I have spoken no words. I communicate with familiar letters now. Not necessarily the 26 letters of the alphabet. More like normative words like fine or thank you.

Maybe one day I’d eventually learn to say it hurts when it does and not smile just to make it “positive”. Maybe I will learn to tell the story of the pain without the balm, show the scars without a mask.

Maybe there’s is power in realizing that joy is not the absence of sorrow rather a state inspite of many sorrows.

Someday soon there’d be no need to hide behind the lie because the happiness will be genuine.

Ciao.

Dcconnoisseur.