I remember that when I first moved countries I had several thoughts plague me on how to access my attraction. All my life, I had a type, I trained myself for that type subconsciously because all the other possibilities that I knew existed were a mirage until my new reality became what I once thought a mirage.
Through this assessment, I developed my first crush. Funny enough, I was not looking for a crush or anything of the sort (is anyone ever?) I just had this couple of friends I hung around a lot who kept talking about their cute neighbour and extolling all his good virtue. They also kept telling me about his single status or the “fragile” nature of his existing relationship since he kept mentioning how he wanted to break up with his girlfriend.
I ended up meeting this guy and I am not quite sure what happened but I started to feel a certain form of attraction to him. I just noticed I became very shy around him, tried to always catch him whenever he was within vicinity even if I was occupied. At some point, I even knew him by his smell, he had this very lovely fragrance that announced his appearance.
Before this experience I don’t think I have ever had a crush on anyone at least, not in this sense. I didn’t like it so I decided to tell my crush about my feelings. Even as I type this, I wonder what I was thinking doing that, like who does that?
Well let me tell you what I was thinking, I figured if I told him then the intensity of the shyness would be cured. I was not wrong because this guy ended up saying to me after I said I have a crush on you, “I am sure it will pass.” I was like duh, I know, but until it does, I am going to enjoy all the feelings that come with crushing on you. I was super proud of myself that day because never in my wildest dream did I imagine those words would fall out of my mouth.
This experience revealed to me in a way I had never considered before, that my feelings were mine to own, explore, enjoy, and with the solitude of that ownership is a completeness that does not need the validation of another.
To bask in the pleasure of knowing how much you feel, how you get excited for reasons only known to you, how you try to contain your giddiness, or this new sort of out of place feeling that you can’t hide away fully because it keeps trying to burst out of you.
Nothing quite validated this experience like coming accross a post that read “There is no award for best kept feelings”. I have quite since lived my life repeating this to myself on the many occasion I find myself trying to hold back on my feelings, especially the ones that bring me pleasure.
For the longest time I have struggled with feelings, especially as a woman because feelings are linked with emotions which in turn leads to us being tagged excessively emotional and weak. But after this experience, I realised a vital component of feelings that we so easily overlook are that they are as unique to us as our personalities and diversity. So much so that two people can love each other differently but with similar intensity.
Your feelings are yours to fashion whether about another person or about yourself, you are allowed to explore the length and breathe of it, to savour each moment and to derive pleasure from all the things that bring you excitement regardless of how mundane and common. If you noticed I spoke of this exploration in terms of seemingly positive emotions like hope and excitement but there is something to be said of emotions that are not as pleasant like trepidation, anxiety, distress, shame.
These feelings are also yours even when you do not want them but as you can do with things you own, you can give it away or trade it for something different.
One of the most shifting perspective I have read about feelings is that they are visitors and as such, the have a timeline to leave but you can cater to them without making them home owners when they ought to be guest. Feeling are not personalities they are just forms of experience.
Owning your feelings is like sitting with the guest you entertain, being present but knowing that they’d eventually leave.
Till next time, stay jiggy.
Dcconnoisseur 😘
Connoisseur of Memories 