If you have ever been cheated on and found out, you will be familiar with the feeling of having your world turned upside down and feeling inadequate, angry, and hopeless all at once.
If you have grieved, you know that there is always a trigger spot even when you were having a good day. The memory just sneaks up on you. Something makes you remember the hurt and loss in the midst of happiness.
You feel forlorn with company. You dread being happy because you now feel that too may be an illusion, the pain makes happiness feel like a dream and sadness like reality.
Oh yes, this is heavy stuff.
How do you say, I love you but I cannot be with you because I don’t know if I can ever trust you or be willing to try but I don’t want to let you go even though I want you to be happy?
We survive by saying partially what we mean, pretending not to feel anything just to be able to carry on.
Some feel too much. Others are numb but we all downplay our vulnerability just so we don’t hurt beyond repair.
How do you say out loud the reason why you are jealous is because you are insecure and no matter how hard you try to rise above it, you never manage?
How do you say something you cannot even allow yourself think or feel but somehow can articulate in your mind?
It is said that people search for others who will accept them because they can not accept themselves and that is hard because that may mean that one will be in this unending cycle of self-sabotage…never truly being able to accept love because they feel undeserving.
So how do you say it hurts and I feel like giving up? Courage my dear that’s how 😩 For the longest time, I found myself nurturing the unworthy thought that if someone really got to know me, they wouldn’t like me do you know what I realized after I finally got the courage to finally look in the mirror to see what hurt? It wasn’t self hate or lack of self awareness I saw staring back at me, it was simply my inability to accept my imperfections. Courage was admitting that I was broken but not undeserving, that I was struggling but no less good, that I was worthy just because I am.
So Tatiana, just because things won’t change doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try, just because we fear doesn’t mean there is no bravery within us and just because we consistently doubt doesn’t inhibit the people of faith that we are capable of being.
As you start this journey towards healing, towards the you you aspire to be, learn this one thing, to speak to yourself correctly that is a different kind of courage. It is a kind that says, I am pressed but not crushed, alone but never abandoned…
After you stand before that mirror to look, after you see the brokenness you must look further still to see the beauty in the ash, there is also beauty in ugliness the sheer art of defiance, the ugly nose you hate that keeps air in your lungs, the toes that gives you balance after you conceive where you need to go.
How do you miss all the glory even in your despair? You were not born broken, you were not made for betrayal, you were fashioned for love, for peace, for splendor, so rise my lovely and come into who you are.
Xoxo,
D U from courage❤️
Connoisseur of Memories 