Leaving the door Closed

I am in the middle of a memory holding on to other memories that led me here but the issue is, not all of those memories are happy enough to seat with me in this new place happiness found me.

We do not talk enough about hindrances to the moment we long and wish for.  A good number of us know how to thrive in chaos better than we can handle peace. Chaos is quite thrilling and for lack of a better description- chaotic, everything goes, like literally.

No thought for order, fitting, or capacity, it is about turning everything upside down or even leaving nothing to turn, watching everything burn to ashes then scattering those ashes to start a fire at a beautiful pace all over again. That continuous merry-go-round of destruction till you can no longer fight. Whatever that means.

It is peace that is hard. That continuous need to be in harmony with oneself and others. A constant defence against chaos, tidying up, considering what needs to go before everywhere becomes a clutter, maintaining the necessary decibel, adjusting the mood, checking what fits, letting go, you name it.

It is easy to close the door in the name of closure and healing, the real problem is leaving the door closed. You even think you’ve closed the door, in fact, you convince yourself that such a chapter is over until you find yourself exhibiting traits from your past, moments like this when the past starts dragging you from the present.

You may even find yourself wanting the former things even when you no longer need them because it was easier, it didn’t demand any change from you, any responsibility for your actions or desires, nor the need to be accountable for what you profess, to match your words with your actions.

Growth  comes with pangs and stretches, more often than not, one is never fully prepared for the direction of that stretch, sometimes, you even ready your mind for how far you want to go only to see that even more is expected from you and at the time, you are not even sure you have more to give but you must go on since you already enrolled. You find yourself chasing peace from chaos, fighting for peace you do not even know how to sustain.

For example, you say you want a love that sees you but you don’t even know how to get naked. You say you want someone that stays but you are the first to pack your bags when things are not going the way you expect, you say you want love demonstrated to you in certain ways because that is what you know, or have practised as what love should look like but you are not ready to be the same for another.

The worst part is the disappointment that comes with the realization that you may not be as ready as you once thought you were for this path you prayed for or more innately, the dawning that the happiness you fashioned with reaching a destination was always going to happen not when you reach it but when you finally acknowledge that you have been happy all along.

Lastly, to finally acknowledge that you must deal with the ghost of greed that is always making you chase for more even when you know that you will not always be satisfied after getting more.

The thing with growing is the ways you will recognize how much work still needs to be done even while acknowledging that you are already enough. It is a continuous chase of balance and improvement.

Whatever it is, keep moving forward.

Xoxo,

Dcconnoisseur.