Ambivalence

If you take stock of your conversations, not from a judgmental lens, more of a refractive one, shining the spotlight on yourself too, you’d realise the struggle with ambivalence. You’d be quick to see that some of the attributes you admire about yourself may also be the ones you sometimes resent in others.

It is especially harder with others; when we audit them to deem them worthy of love, companionship, partnership, friendship, or affection. I, for example, like that I am quite open-minded and free-spirited but I dislike that sometimes, my openness has led to so many indiscretions that have often come back to bite me in the ass.

I like that I could be empathetic but it is this very empathy that makes me often see things from the perspective of another even when that person is actually hurting me. It is this same empathetic nature that makes me at times, hold on to people that are clearly toxic because I am thinking, this person may just be on the brink of their learning curve. Who do I think I am? Jedi?

I like that I am curious, but my curiosity has often led to knowledge and experiences I could have successfully lived without. Not just my curiosity for ideas, but also people, that’s the curiosity that has been more problematic.

I like that I am opinionated and confident, more often than not, this often comes off as a “strong personality.” Some may even call it domineering. This quality of mine often misleads people to think I have it figured out, or that I am doing great which prevents my able to pull the damsel in distress act. I often find myself in a defacto leadership position even when all I am actively trying to be is a wallflower.

I like that I have a good sense of responsibility but it is that very sense that makes it hard to have or give off a laid-back personality and just be chill. I am usually working on multiple backup plans simultaneously. I could go on and on…

Have you ever had people you care about tell you some personal things they are struggling with and without meaning to, you judge them for it? To articulate, a friend of mine once told me about his struggle with sleep and other things and because he is someone I like, I started wondering how this will potentially affect my life if we ever ended up together.

Another example that triggered this post was a compliment I paid to a person I like so much. I told him I like “how I can say you are pretty and it’s true.” This friend of mine is someone who really pulls off feminine vibes, he sort of exudes this ability to balance Ying and yang energy while still retaining masculine prominence. He is one person I have met who helped me understand the possibility of fluidity in personality. Yet, it worried me that this very trait in him meant that he might be open to more adventures than I could ever dare to imagine and that for some of those adventures, it would be too wild for me to hitch a ride.

Is it not funny that we love our social friends because they bring the energy to every event, yet, we start to get pissed when they have to greet so many people they know when we hang out with them?

The same critical spirit that may make a great editor or food critic is the same attribute that a spouse, child, or employee may come to despise.

It happens in several cadre of relating and in different taxonomies. The very smile that captivated you becomes very annoying when you are offended. Your boss who likes to correct every line of your work becomes too much of a perfectionist when you are not having a great day.

It is also how some people who say they want a certain kind of partner and when that partner shows up, that’s the very thing they cannot stick to. Saying “I want a CEO kind of man” means putting up with the possibility of material absence while getting all the other perks. And while lots of people may term this phenomenon ironic, I think it is more ambivalent or succinctly, duality.

It goes far to prove that we are not one thing. We are capable of being many things at once and experiencing more duality than we think we should or are allowed.

What does this ambivalence mean in the context of relationships? First relationship with ourselves then, with others…

It is propelled by the very question, how do you deal with loathing the very thing you loved? And as with every other question that I often pose, there is no easy answer because it is all about perspective. However, it starts with the simple recognition that sometimes balance is not always 50/50 or at least 50/50 every time. I think we already know this profoundly in some respects it is the acceptance of it that is much harder.

Next, is the discovery and exploration of ambivalence through the prism of opportunity cost. It is sort of like understanding that even though you can be many things, you cannot be everything and being deliberate about the characters or values you want to act out.

I saw a post that read “You are who you pretend to be” and that is quite interesting to dissect because it could mean that the very parts of ourselves we choose to hide away are also who we are or that what we dream we are; even when is an act, is all a part of who we are.

It is this explorative element of ambivalence that I consider the key to unlocking the subpar. It is the acceptance that happiness and fear can coexist side by side, that confidence and doubt can fellowship with each being aware of their boundaries. It is many many things but what it is not is denial.

Denial of reality because it has many parts

Xoxo,

Dcconoisseur.