Hello you,
Maybe one day I will talk about the breakup that changed everything. Today is not that day though...
Today, the focus is on imperfections that come with choosing love and being loved. I once read that when we choose a person we are choosing a million versions of them. Who they are presently, their aspirations, along with the past version of them, flaws, mistake, and lessons. It doesn’t help that we do this choosing while also struggling with our metamorphosis in receiving and giving love.
Here are some beautiful lines I have come across from books and posts relating to love that have struck me:
“what are you trying to prove? Maybe I am trying to prove something to myself… You know you don’t have to prove yourself to me?”, “I pray you find someone who speaks your love language so you don’t spend eternity translating your soul.”, “…Like even when something beautiful breaks, the making of it still matters….”
I got into a conversation that ended up raising this question:
“when people ask to be together, what do you think they are offering?”
To further extend it, when people choose us, do we know where that choosing comes from and does it matter?
I don’t think we are at the moment of acceptance, capable of accepting all that they may be offering because unlike a contract the terms may not be adequately spelled. Even if we can get them to sign some MOU, in matters of the heart, the lines quickly get blurry. The person who offers forever may not have forever to give, they may even be incapable of knowing the extent of love they want to explore, some never find themselves so it is the lost version that is in love with you (whatever that means). In the end, this acceptance is by faith, hope and possibly perseverance.
The hope that they will abide by some implied terms of fidelity and consonance, that they’d be vulnerable about their humanity, consistent in honesty, maintain integrity, and be willing to choose you as you choose them in every context. Despite clearly defined terms, agreements still get broken. Why? I wish the answer were clear cut but it is embedded in the fog that is the complexity of the human nature.
Maybe all the things we hype like compatibility, chemistry is not all there is. Maybe that’s just a tip of all there is to see. I don’t think relationships work because two good people are in it as “bad people” can have great relationships. So, how do we conceptualize a great relationship? is it by longevity or by the experience of it? I think the question has been put profoundly in the saying is it better to have loved and lost than, to never have loved at all?
One of my favorite definitions of a great relationship is one I got from a lover . ” Even if the relationship ended for some unexplained reasons, if given the chance to try again, you’d be willing to try.”
I just know that irrespective of what we think relationship is or isn’t, in the end, we all get disappointed when our expectations are unmet and when we think of true love, we often have this innate idea that it stands the test of time. I don’t think there is any of us who wants to keep the repeated motion of seeking love and acceptance or what we have come to call ‘the talking stage’ in modern dating.
In the worst case Scenario, we want to multiply the number of people we can obtain that love from at a guarantee level. Well, that’s what friends and families are for. In some other instances, we hope to find variety in the person or in the people we choose.
Moreso, it also doesn’t help that when a relationship ends, regardless of our participation in its break down, we sometimes feel like we failed at something we were supposed to be good at, something we thought we got a hang of and could hack with all the love we had to offer, only to realize that holds no guarantee. worse still, when we contributed to the demise of a great relationship.
Regardless of whether or not we mean well, mistakes happen, and even with all the flaws we carry, we deserve happiness. True that we ought to do better as we know better; but we also deserve the empathy that comes from being allowed to show up as the changed person we become.
I could go on and on…
If anything, this is a kind reminder that we do not as imperfect people love perfectly. Maybe the goal is not to question whether what we have is true or not, but to be as truthful as possible in how we choose to love and be loved. To give room for forgiveness and acceptance, even more room to practice how to show up in love with grace, with compassion, and maybe not to quickly write anyone off as the worse kind of specie (good luck with the last part!).
Xoxo,
Dcconoissuer.
Connoisseur of Memories 