A victim is still a victim even when you cannot relate with their story…
I came across an IG post narrating the ordeal of a man who “mistakenly slapped” his girlfriend but got the beating of his life from the girlfriend. She later apologized and served him food while mentioning to him that he knows she goes to the gym and is quite adverse to any form of beating.
Now, this guy comes to the court of public opinion requesting whether it was right to break up with her. Of course, you can imagine the comment section going wild. Some said if he does not beat her again, he would never have to find out about her violent tendencies moving forward. Others, were of the view that she was deserving of an applause for standing up for herself.
In that same spirit, I forwarded this post to a close friend who considered this event “funny af`” to quote him directly but he mentioned that he thought this guy should leave the relationship because he has been emasculated.
I responded by saying: “Ego should never be protected when it devalues another person. This is why there is so much toxic masculinity in the world today.” My opinion on this issue is not hard to decipher but it is summed up again in my response, “It is funny that he wants to end it because he did not successfully, “mistakenly” slap her. He would have apologized on a mistake, and put fear in her. I think he wants dominance from a place of fear and was shocked because the woman could hold her own. I do not support violence but I wish more women could hold their own. Maybe then, equality will take on a new meaning when men are no longer trusted and depended upon for protection.”
The last line of my response is the focal point of this conversation. Several men are ignorant of the hurdles of femininity especially when it comes to safety. The sense of safety is at the core of a woman´s psyche and this is often upset and disturbed by men. Someone put it succinctly, ” if men treated women well we won´t need to defend women from men” and while it is true that various forms of violence can still be enacted against women by women, daily occurrences reveal that majority of abuse women suffer are by the hands of men.
Now this post is not a castigation call, it is just about revealing perspective. When women talk about feminism, most men interject with aggression on how societal values are being misplaced and a reminder that women can never be equal to men while missing the point entirely.
Which is, why should women continue to uphold gender roles that do not serve them? Why should we continue to sponsor the privileges that male enjoy at the detriment of our existence and safety?
Why should we preserve a man´s fragile ego when he is in fact failing at the patriarchal task he is “assigned” to uphold, to protect and provide? The issues are more intricate than this but in light of this example, you can easily pinpoint the issues.
If this guy had met with a subservient woman who could not retaliate, the narrative would have been different. He may probably come to the social court to ask us to beg his girlfriend for not understanding that he just mistakenly slapped her and did not mean to do it. Imagine if everyone in the case of domestic violence fought back and it led to death of the perpetrator, will this continue to be a social issue? Yet, women are expected to be understanding and forgiving in these situations?
I come from a society where the advise on men beating women in domestic setting is often tilting towards the side of understanding and perseverance as a man is the head of the family and should be respected. Lots of disreputable men are out there galivanting as prima Dona because society endorse vain achievements. As though being a man automatically makes one respectable. The idea is ludicrous actually.
Respect for masculinity based on assigned sexes and disrespect for being ‘a weaker vessel.’
Without disrespect to solid men out there who are a dime a dozen, but even this men suffer from the insensitivity that is often attached to privileged living. It is not that you do not want to empathize, it is that you cannot because your reality is far removed from this other existence that it is impossible to process.
What annoys me the most is when “good” men cannot believe there are men out there who mistreat women because they don’t do it. This arrogant dismissal is exactly why women don’t speak up about rapist because there is one good man out there to say “I have known John for quite a while now and I can’t believe he will do something like this.” Yeah, I also wish John your golf buddy, office colleague, or proverbial buddy did not think I was deserving of aggravating bodily assault.
I have had discussions with men on several despicable things I have heard from men by virtue of my femininity and they argue with me, gaslighting me, and further victimising my experience just because they cannot “fathom” it. Imagine punishing me just because you cannot wrap your head around the gravity of my plight.
When I start discuss as this, it may just become an epistle, so as not to detract from the point of this post, men should not be respected based on mere gender appropriation and the same is true for women. People should be treated on the merit of their character and values. Toxic masculinity that focuses on ego more than value for human life and dignity should be cancelled. Men who have no concrete value to offer other than the fact that they are men should be treated as such, empty shells. Women need to live in a world where they are not afraid of being raped and beaten just because there is a volatile egoistic man who thinks he is the best of God’s creation and every other thing was made to serve his needs. Arrant audacity!
Xoxo,
Dcconoissuer.
Connoisseur of Memories 