IPSEITY

(n) the quality of being oneself and embracing the individuality of what makes us unique.

Has someone accused you of not being whole? whatever that means…

Flashback to my fourth year in Uni, I had this friend who in some ways assumed the position of perpetual advisor on relationship affairs. She always had a comment on who I was dating, why my dating strategy was unrealistic, how my standards were “low”…mind you, the focus of this standard was solely on material analysis for example, whether or not the person I was dating had a car, was from a good socio-economic standing, etc. More often than not, this advise was always coming from a place of “consideration for my well being”.

How many times have you heard these statements thrown at you when people want to foist their opinions on you? I have also been guilty of the same.

Everything was going well with this friend because after every advise session, I could barely remember anything that was said in furtherance of my well being as I often just tuned out, but one day, this friend said to me “you are not a whole person” and of course, that stuck. First, I wondered what this meant and if there was any qualitative assurance to this proclamation? To give a little context, although it is quite fuzzy now, we were discussing relationships as always and I was advised to take time off dating and focus on myself to become a whole person. To substantiate this proclamation, I was also to access whether I had a fear of being alone ( I included this part for my benefit).

I remember at that time asking what does it mean to be a whole person?

It is that question that has formed some of the rationale for this post because few years later, I still haven´t found the answer to this question, and I have also not deviated from the original presence of mind that first permeated me when I was confronted with this proclamation.

Is anyone whole in that sense? are we not all scared in one form or another? should the presence of our trauma preclude us from experiencing love? should we hide away from being loved and loving because of the trauma we carry? is there ever a time when we are not improving on a character trait? do we ever come to a point where we are no longer in need of repair?

This conversation has been repeated to me by another friend in recent times but from a different context and perspective. This friend encouraged me to take to time to discover myself (at least six month) in the absence of distraction. Understanding what I value before my attention is tuned to being in a relationship again. I told this friend, I do not agree with your assessment and this friend just said, “when next you have your heart broken don´t talk to me about it if you do not follow my advise” which was perfectly fine with me.

Never mind that no two relationship end on the same note. Sometimes, It just doesn’t work and there is nothing you could have done better or left undone because in the end, it just takes a person to end a relationship.

In the last weeks, I have been reading a book which exposed me to the introspection illusion, what I will dub the trap of an overthinker. You think that by thinking deeply you can adequately forestall every potential problem that may come your way, whereas, certain things can only be avoided by doing and by experiencing. That’s the irony. You only write by writing and not by thinking that you ought to write. It is the same with relationships, you don’t become better at relating with people by avoiding said relationship. It is within the context of relating that you can adjust, adapt, and address what needs to be fixed.

I totally understand where all these ideas come from really, it is like how they say things like “love comes when you least expect it, don’t go looking for love, love will find you.” I find these statements funny because they seem to dismiss the aspects of relationship that is deliberate and attribute it to mere coincidence and wheel of fortune. Someone said to me “love will gravitate towards you” I prefer this, because it seems to function on the basis of possessing lovable qualities that attract other loveable people but it does not answer these questions though, should love be based on goodness or wholeness? do relationships work because two “good” people love each other?

I am not denying that there is a place for recognizing your issues and working on them without expecting other people to suffer for the effects of your brokenness but in grey areas of life where the manuals for an existential crisis are zero, especially in matters far too intricate to posit based on generalization, it is better to customize advise to suit individuals. I think it is quite necessary to earn influence.

I am quite an introspective person. So, reflection is not exactly part of my challenges in life. While some people need to take time off to reflect, I most certainly reflect on the go. So what works for me is to actually get out of my reflection and just do. I have found this to be an interesting part of my existence lately because I also had a person who barely knew me, decide to credit me with their opinion on who they think I am based on the limited facts they had in a myopic context. Of course, I refuted vehemently, and this person was offended.

This post is double edged, first it goes to the advised, be sure to determine the quality of advice you adopt and question the notion you choose to adhere, and to the adviser, respect Individual autonomy and make sure to customize your advise in awareness of who they are or are becoming. In any case, there is no perfect advise or guide to living.

Life happens to us all. Even with all the tips and best intentions, we must move through life with our intuition, learning as we go, and leaving room for individual uniqueness and interpretation.

I look forward to your thoughts.

Xoxo,

Dcconoisseur