Owu (Yoruba word for jealousy)
One of the predominant thoughts that plagues me when I think about love and loving is all the ways we fall short from all the expectations we accumulate but more than these, how we desire to hold on to the love we find and how a good number of us find it hard to love without a little bit of possession.
Some couple of months back I had a discussion with a friend that bothered on how jealousy in relationships was not an indication of love. He then went ahead to boldly proclaim, how he was not a jealous person. In that moment, I have never been more doubtful about my ability not to be jealous. Since then, I have often pondered whether jealousy was really harmful to relationships, unnatural, or in some bit necessary.
Fast forward to some couple of months later, I chanced upon a podcast that discussed jealousy in heterosexual relationships. How the concept of love in these relationships was based on some form of ownership and possessiveness. You may wonder what the correlation is between possessiveness and jealousy and quite frankly, I think possessiveness may be a foundation for the expression of jealousy or can they be detracted from the other?
I think we all experience some form of envy or the other. Jealousy in a greener form whether in our personal or professional life. People who don’t experience this must be working on some mind blowing level of self confidence devoid of any form of comparison. I for one, cannot be categorized as being part of this select group. I think I could be quite a jealous person especially in relationships I care about.
I want my friends to be my friends, I want to be important to them as they are to me, I don´t want to feel that I have to share them with others who may be more important than me and if that’s the case, I don’t want to know because I don’t want to ever feel like I am competing for their attention. With this need to best everyone else in this context, also comes the understanding that I am uniquely me and that the value I have to give may be replicated but not in the way I’d produce it. I also have come to recognize that while I am trying to guard what I think is precious to me, there is a place for the other party to also acknowledge this sacredness and to act in ways that protect this sanctity.
Back to the podcast, the central idea was that loving should move from wanting ownership or some pseudo possessive model to a more experiential ideal. In the sense that you acknowledge your place in a person´s life without the need to possess them. You feel gratitude for the place you hold in their life while respecting their autonomy to reciprocate this or otherwise.
I definitely see the benefits of this mindset because you can anyway never be responsible for how another person feels or acts towards you. Your possessing them does not guarantee their loyalty nor their willingness to stay. The question however is how does one cultivate this mindset?
I think jealousy is natural and not necessarily a bad thing depending on the motivation it brings. For example, the same friend that told me he wasn’t a jealous person is the same person I know for certain, loves the attention of his partner so much that he often manages to barge into whatever conversation I may be having with his partner even when I consider it confidential. I find it cute, I also know that this is more akin to attention seeking than jealousy but in my books, this counts as some form of jealousy too… or is my definition a little askew?
Maybe I should discuss how I have felt jealousy in the past. I was in a relationship with my best friend at one time and he had another friend he really cared about who I was aware liked him romantically. He often acted with her in ways that seemed to me to encourage this intimate dependency. Long story short, I wanted him to cut ties, I changed my mind cause I thought it was stupid, we ended up fighting a couple of times about it.. blah blah.
I think the issue was I felt like I had to compete with this lady for his affection, also, I was jealous that she knew how to wear this damsel in distress garment so well that it puts Cinderella to shame. Whereas, I am mostly independent and tend to solve issues before they escalate or require further assistance. I blamed myself for not being able to get over it, it hurt my feelings over and over again. My friends told me that I was giving the situation power over me.
Eventually, this relationship ended and I discovered that I had legitimate reasons to feel emotionally insecure. However, I also learnt to take responsibility for my emotional security by acknowledging that no one is irreplaceable, that I am responsible for how I compare myself with others in a way that highlights what I admire about them while diminishing my admirable qualities too, by accepting that I am not perfect but that the people that will stay will love me in spite of these imperfections.
Does this mean I am cured of every form of jealousy? Nope. I just now have gentle reminders in place. Acknowledging that love is kind, patient, not full of fear or doubt, love is acceptance, forgiveness with no record of wrong doing…
Loving is knowing my worth but not overestimating my importance, finding security in trust and commitment, being vulnerable enough to discuss my struggles, choosing to believe the good before jumping to the worst conclusions. Knowing that my tribe is my tribe even if they are also part of other tribes.
I leave you with the question- is jealousy necessary?
Let this be the ongoing debate on how you formulate your love thesis. Till next time.
xoxo,
Dcconoissuer.
Connoisseur of Memories 