I AM THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

Whew!

Is it just me or is there anyone else who is glad valentine’s is finally over so now singles can rest?

Another valentine’s has passed and I am as single as ever. At least last year I had prospects. This year my prospect decided to call off boyfriend duty for month of February 😂😂

Plus side, it removed the pressure of what to get for valentine’s and now I could just eye other people🙄. Okay fine, I will stop hating now. Maybe love will find me next year…

The first time I ever bought myself flowers was last valentine’s and when I did it I think I was singing “I can buy myself flowers” in my head. You can say I was in my Miley Cyrus state of mind; but it was a radical art of participating in loving myself only that it was spiteful and coming from all the wrong places.

It was from a place of even if I don’t have anyone that cares for me romantically at least I will care for myself. It was forceful, based on an idea of self love that hasn’t taken root.

I am not any better now post discovery because even this year I chose to neglect my participation because I am dealing with so many mismatched emotions on self worth and value. (Side note: I am not saying it is compulsory to celebrate valentine)

I think it was my Anamcara that posted something along the lines of “It can be flattering when someone drops a lifestyle, or leaves other people, just to be with you. But the thing is, those other people or things were not the enemies. The real battle is with the trauma and so long as the trauma stays, it’s a battle you’ll always lose.”

Afterwards, I heard a speech by Viola Davis where she used the words ” after all, I am the love of my life”

je suis l’amour de ma vie.

You see no one really teaches us on how to first internalize and embody the love we seek to receive. It is easier to think we will transcend into love if we can just find “the love of our life” but the thing is most times that love is with other people and in other people not ourselves…

Eventually this love walks away, as It is said “all relationships come to an end, it is just a matter of time” and then,  we are plunged into despair. It tugs at our worthiness, it makes us question our inadequacies. Sometimes even, we cancel ourselves. Yet almost daily, we experience love but we are  blind to it because our attention is fixed on this grandeur that must enrapture us.

A bohemian reality of attention.

Maybe the greatest love story you seek in others is the one you will find in yourself…

I pledge on my journey here on, to turn my light on even deeper, to seek within me every obstacle to the love I aspire to, to understand self love in a state that comes from genuity, no guile, no malice, no comparison , a love that is not waiting to be complete but is complete in itself.

I still don’t know what that looks like but now I know where to start.

It is simply by asking myself: “am I acting like the love of my life?”

Happy valentine’s day everyone!

Xoxo,

Dcconnoisseur.