PRIVATE MOMENTS

This blog post has been stewing in my head for a while now

I am happy to finally put it down in writing

How did this idea come you ask?

It’s random actually.

It’s also very private but I guess I am open to sharing…

I am meeting a guy for the first time and I am worried about all the things I cannot do on the first meeting and the things I don’t want to happen like having my wig fly off (not that it ever has, I am just hoping it won’t choose today to start), or having an upset stomach suddenly.

I am all in my head drawing up scenarios on how to present the best version or at least a more edited, curated, and picturesque version of myself.

Nuh uh, you can’t judge me. We all do this. I mean take a look at professional CVs who ever writes “I cry under pressure”?

Anyways, I am randomly having all these thoughts mumbling through my mind as some sort of kaleidoscope, when it occurred to me that there are some parts of ourselves we never want anyone else to witness no matter how intimate with them.

It is like how you never want your “work friends” to know certain things about you.

It is not about not wanting to be vulnerable or even secretive..

It is just the need for aloneness.

You know what I mean? Those random nasty things you do in the privacy of yourself; grateful no one is around to witness except mirrors and phone cameras (digital surveillance, there really is no escaping this)

Following this view point is to admit that we are never truly alone even when we think we are… As though surrounded by a great cloud of invisible witnesses. Still, there is comfort in the crudeness and unpretentious nature that solitude offers.

I know your reading these words evoke some memories of the things you love about yourself when you are alone… I’d have loved to share some of my experiences but that’d be rather betraying my privacy.

It is in the little things we enjoy. Being able to exist without the pretense of politeness because we are by ourselves. Not needing to say “excuse me” to yourself when you belch, or the moment before pooing when you already know it is going to get really stinky for example.

The pleasure of pressing zits, picking one’s nose, chewing fingernails, rubbing earlobes. Basically, dirty habits 😂

Don’t look at me like this is not a common occurrence. It happens to the most celebrated of us, the powerful, the small, the nobody’s too because in the end, we are all somebody.

This sort of brings to mind the abstract definition of freedom and the rationale for freedom. Being human is not always about dignifying moments, it is also about the crudeness that precedes us all. The dust that we become, the dust that we are despite all of our finesse and aesthetic manipulations.

It is about those moments when you could take off all the masks no matter how benign and just breathe in the essence of yourself irrespective of how unpretty.

The gratitude for aloneness that is quite necessary for self-discovery and acceptance.

It is for moments as this we accept that we cannot truly know anyone. No matter how close we are to the quirks. It is private for a reason, it is a form of recalibration in itself, an essential twitching necessary for functionality.

It is also for moments as this we can truly appreciate people we can let our guards down with. No shame, no hiding, just being..

Despite the overwhelming need to experience people that we love and be a part of their everything maybe it is okay to stay content that they’d always be an experience we cannot share or collect, maybe it is the manufacturer’s guide, maybe it’s not necessary to search it out, just maybe all that we need is acceptance…

After all is said and done, we are alone in this body.