LAST INCIDENCES

Initially, when the inspiration to write this piece came I was in my feelings.

I really did not want to write about the emotions churning within because if I looked closely, I could see shame, anger, and disappointment.

I read somewhere that anger is an emotion that reflects self-love because it gives us the courage to refuse things our psyche thinks we do not deserve.

So, I know that emotions are not bad, they reveal events we need to focus on and I also know that emotions can be redirected and that we are not our emotions but have you ever been with someone or a situation you know is no good for you but you stay anyways because you like them or because you do not know how soon is too soon to walk away and you use the whole we are only humans excuse to justify that they are a work in progress even when clearly you can tell that the problem here is you being misguided about your values as a person and maybe even your worth.

It is easy for us to judge people when we see them settling for situations we believe is beneath them but if there is anything I have come to learn in recent times is that a person can know that they are valuable in their head but not believe it in their heart or they can actually believe it optimistically but know things that oppose those beliefs because they are being realistic.

In either situation, it makes the desired result futile but there is also the state of knowing what one deserves but not having enough willpower to stay as long as one needs to acquire the desired result.

Majority of us falls in the second category. We know what we deserve, we even believe it but we are not willing to pay the price to get it especially when it involves waiting for things others seem to get quite easily, we start to feel the pressure of missing out so much that we think taking the wrong step is better than taking no step at all.

Like I said, this was the thought that sparked this post but as I continued in that maze, my mind flashed to my post on the novelty of the first time which highlighted the need to savor one’s new experiences because one may never get a chance to repeat them at least not the way it was first experienced.

Then a correlative thought occurred to me about the last incidences we are never mindful of or even if we were at the time those events were unfolding, we dismiss them hoping there will be another time.

Let me put it in panorama, the last time you enjoyed a smile with a friend before you fell out. Most people will perpetuate this idea to the moments before the passing of a person. While that is usually the most succinct description of this phenomenon, I am more interested in elucidating the not-so-obvious last moments that occur.

Some people hate goodbyes because they are superstitious enough not to use the word maybe for fear of the possibility of the permanence of the word.

I should know, I am African we never use such words especially in precarious situations like at the airport seeing a loved one off who is travelling for the first time. Instead, where I originate, we use words like “oju atun rira” meaning literally we will meet again or more specifically we say a prayer.

To others, this may be an every other day act but we are more spiritual about events of this nature. Some other people hate goodbyes because they are just too hard to go through but when you ask people who have suffered the loss of a loved one it is very common to hear them say they wished they had the opportunity to say goodbye.

Mostly, this is chunked to the need for closure but I think it is also about feeling out of control. The only way to combat this is to be sensitive enough to understand crucial moments that may never be repeated or to take every goodbye as the potential last time and make the most of it but in all honesty, there are somethings that will always be outside our control no matter how hard we prepare for them and all we are left to do is damage control.

You know how it is told about the calm before the storm? if you cast your mind back to events that have unfolded in your past you will soon realize that you can tell the last time you felt peace before things turned chaotic. It does not have to be narrowed to microcosmic seconds it could even span through months but because it is an ending, every memory just becomes compressed into one.

To put this into perspective, among lovers there is usually that one memory a person can hold on to representing an epic high with a partner you may even be able to picture what you were wearing, the things you said, the position of the sun, the smell of the wind, the ambience of the day, in that memory every minute detail is vivid, so vivid that all your five sense are optimal in recollection. That is what makes the catastrophe thereafter quite devastating.

As we watch in movies, couples laughing a few minutes before the fatal crash. For some, it is the last laughter before they walked in on their cheating partner or read those DMs. Ah, the dreary DMs. (I will be skipping this line of thought)

This is not even the frame of reference I am gunning for. I am saying what if after walking in on the storm, you realize that this will truly be the last time to take away any memory you cherish so you decide to stay and give it a proper ceremony.

You then rearrange the events and retell them in the way you want them to end before storming off. Just like how we’d pick the casket and the final burial clothes. I know my examples are grim; forbear my gloom but can you catch my drift?

The deepest course of our experiences as a human is entrenched in our memories. It is important how we remember incidents because they help shape our perspective which in turn affects our actions or reactions. This is why we can relieve trauma in a repetitive loop.

I think that is why seeking closure is such a huge deal but I do not think the opportunity often presents itself. Sometimes, it is just too painful to go back to memories that we won’t mind forgetting in a hurry.

How about changing the narrative by the art of story telling.

I think it is more important the stories we tell ourselves.

We may not be able to choose how an event happened but I think we can gain ascendancy by how we choose to remember it.