THE SORT OF THINGS THAT STICK WITH YOU

A few days ago as I was returning from a mini shopping my mind conjured a memory by asking this question, “what is the worst insult you have ever received?”

I remember that at the time when I thought of it I wanted to write about it but I was not sure how to go about writing without it coming of as a rant. Ok, maybe this is a rant😂

It was the year 2019 probably mid-November, I had recently moved to Abuja the previous month for mandatory National Youth Service Corp and at this time was preparing for my call to bar ceremony. In my typical orderly fashion, I had bought all the things I needed from Lagos before even deigning resumption at the orientation camp. Yes, including my wig and gown.

At this point, I had even taken my pre-call photoshoot. Hence, I had enough free time on my hands to accompany my friend in her preparation. I promise you I was ready to live vicariously through her as she had all the necessary fanfare I could not seem to muster during my preparation. So, this was my second chance to catch the spirit.

Anyways, we start the journey to find the perfect wig and gown worthy of this beautiful lady. I remember getting my wig and gown after accompanying my dad to a meeting beside the High court of Lagos. The most unceremonial purchase ever accompanied by good negotiation skills and efficient time management. In less than the time I could say ah, the moment was over.

Back to my friend, we entered this store/exclusive private show room. Now, it is an Abuja thing to exert dignity to mundane experiences what Lagos fails to achieve in sophistication, Abuja exaggerates.

Upon entering this store, we were greeted by this buoyant guy who I have not had the opportunity to size up before he uttered these words to me: “wow, you have zero sex appeal.” I stopped right there in my tracks lots of thoughts colliding with one trying to gain ascendancy as the most thought-out thought.

The first thing I remember asking myself was did I ask for this? What is it about me that could spark this comment at first sight? What does sex appeal even mean? Am I that unattractive? Why did I come here again?

My friend laughed it off and chided him. I pretended to let the comment roll over me but that became a core memory. One I bring out from time to time to assess myself subconsciously.

As an aside, I have as a person not been one to compare myself with other females because I honestly did not see the need to fit in. I am quite in a category all by myself content with the meaninglessness of my beauty or lack thereof but the world definitely says no to peace. I remember being woken up in a boarding house to an Adhoc meeting with seniors gathered at the top of bunk beds, comparing me with another girl to determine the more beautiful of the two of us. I will have you know, that experience nailed my disdain.

Ever since, I have been intentional about selective participation in beauty standards from how I choose my style, to how I relate with myself as a beautiful person. Sure, I have insecurities too but they often swing like a pendulum just with different bells.

So yes, this statement stayed with me because once again unsolicited, I was thrust into the meddlesome need to categorize my appearance.

At the time, in the year 2019 I mean, the year of the insult. I remember feeling out of place, not feminine enough (that was my loudest insecurity), and most importantly in need of a beauty validation.

In hindsight, I realized that first, this guy was not even someone I would consider attractive and this is not revenge. Secondly, why did I not think that he was smitten but wanted to hide it, maybe it was sarcasm. Why did I assume the worse? Despite all the work I had done to validate myself as a beauty metric how did that all get wiped away by just one comment from a frantic stranger?

I digress, this post is not about beauty standards or insecurities. It is about the things that stay with us. I mean memories, words, acts and omissions of kindness and meanness.

If I took a pool of all the words that have affected me, the words spoken so lightly but with damaging gravity, I am not sure I will be able to appreciate my uniqueness after. Oh no, this is not a pity party. I do not need you to patronize me by saying but you are beautiful. I know, there is no argument there.

What I have learned since then is that being beautiful does not mean I must appeal to everyone. Secondly, there is a thing called preference and acquired taste.

Words only hold us bound for however long we hang on to them. As I watched a reel about some TikTok video recap where people talked about the things other people said to them that stuck, like one who remembered her boyfriend saying to her “you don’t excite me anymore”, I got inspired to write about this experience.

I do not intend this to be a teachable moment. This is only so far I can take you as a thought catalyst the rest is up to you to make of it what your lessons will be. Let the story take root within you.

Remember the sort of things you allow stay with you.

Ps: here is a link to the video https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cm92h5zpkoX/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Ciao.