Love, Trust and Betrayal

I struggle with the idea of love a lot…

Love as it is, love as it could be, and love as it ought to be.

How one keeps loving someone even after they have been hurt; how being hurt doesn’t automatically take away the love; If that happened, life would be a lot easier.

I ask myself if love is unconditional or if it is based on our idiosyncrasies and selfishness. True, love is patient, kind, enduring…but what happens when a person lacks these attributes, does being in love suddenly make one more persevering for example?

The irony is that love does not necessarily breed commitment but, is associated with trust. Yet, trust is so fragile that it can be easily destroyed, resulting in betrayal which wouldn’t have been possible if love hadn’t intervened in the first place.

Although it is possible to be betrayed without being in love, but some sort of relationship must have been established  to consider an action back stabbing.

I ponder on the distinction between loving a person and being in love. I wonder if it is possible to be in love with two people at the same time. I ask myself why love or being in love doesn’t conquer lust because it is still possible to be attracted to one who isn’t your lover.

I am puzzled by the fact that individuals who aren’t in love can co-exist amicably. Yet, lovebirds, separate due to irreconcilable differences. It makes me wonder if our understanding of love isn’t grossly exaggerated.

There is the propagation of “the one” and soul mate from social diversity, that it almost appears to be that love is predestined. Some belief in the existence of a Cupid responsible for bringing them together with their soulmate (another concept that holds weight). Yet, finding one’s soulmate doesn’t guarantee a long-lasting relationship. Isn’t love supposed to be eternal or is it a journey in metamorphosis?

This brings me to the forever concept of love. How true love is everlasting at least until death terminates it. Some propose that forever is too much pressure to put on a loving relationship and that love was meant to last for a time not indefinitely. Someone I know simplified forever to mean a day after the next and after the next…

When it comes to choosing who to be with long-term, there is so much pressure on doing it right; so, we check compatibility, similarities in beliefs. Yet, this routine check doesn’t bring happiness or satisfaction.

There is also the fact that one can be certain that a particular person was designed to be loved by them and that still flops. You move on to the next with equal certainty. The question is- what happened to the first certainty?

Is love really this complex or did we complicate it for ourselves?

I have spent time musing about this abstract emotion we call love and realized that it isn’t something we can lay claims to understand. It is seriously invested with our hearts.

Again, love has nothing to do with a lasting relationship. That is based on the willingness of the parties to stay together no matter what.

Loving a person is a choice and that choice is open to various interpretations. For some, it means to put that person first to the exclusion of all others. To some others, it means being there no matter what. For some, it is a commitment to each other while finding happiness in other people.

Regardless, our humanity interferes with how we love. We love the mindset of ownership and expectation of our partners and how they should prioritize us above all else.

Loving a person is sometimes propelled by the example of love we see all around us, was nurtured with, or even love we see our partner demonstrate.

We love from the perspective with which we love ourselves which may not reflect how our partner wants to be loved. One may need to learn to love differently based on the need of one’s partner instead of one’s idea of what love should look like.

Love does not lockdown happiness, but it is a starting point. It makes it easier to be willing to go over and beyond for someone we care about.

Notwithstanding, one must learn to love freely without expectations. The kind of love that isn’t based on the reciprocity of the beloved but on one’s willingness to express affection.

When that happens, we trust ourselves to do better not because we’d be appreciated by our lover, but because even if that never happens, we will be happy. Hence, the need to shift the focus of our trust into the passion we are willing to give.

We will never feel betrayed if we remember that we chose to love a person not because they promised to reciprocate but because we just do and can choose to stop expending our energy that way if we feel undervalued.

What I am propagating in essence, is that love is empowering and contrary to how we feel enslaved, it is freeing to remember that it is the ability to decide who and for what we want to share a part of ourselves. I think love is acceptance even when we don’t understand, loyalty when we do, and forgiveness when we hurt.

Love is….