Have you ever found yourself slipping to a place you’ve promised yourself you wouldn’t visit any time soon because the last time you were on the block things got messed up pretty fast? Well, been there, done that, and it still isn’t pleasant.
For me it usually starts with a conversation I promise myself not to have again with myself or anyone else for that matter. With myself, that is a topic for another day. It is the one with the anyone else I want to dwell on today… whew
Why do I do this? Allow myself be lured into a futile discussion, the one with no head or tail, root or fruit. Basically, pointless conversations.
I wish I knew how to separate myself from my struggles and my activism or have a middle ground between my fear and my empathy for those already living my most dreaded narrative.
I am stuck in this place where all I can see with are my rose colored glasses. They started out as protective gears. Only now, they imprison me too. How do I get out from the prison of my safety without the agrophobia of open spaces?
I am sad that when we talk, I listen to your rationality and pain but the fact that you are indifferent to my plight makes me even less interested in a possible curative outcome.
I mean, we have had this round table discussion so many times but it has ended in circles. I leave feeling betrayed by your equanimity and you marvel at my tainted opinion and irrationality.
Do you think I don’t know that I may have come to some rash decisions? I am aware of the chasm between us. There is so much gap between the world you live in and that which I find myself.
It widens daily when we don’t even get the same consequences for a given repeated set of actions. You think I am an advocate for war? All I want is peace. Not the kind of peace that makes me participate in the routiness I crave to change, in docility because that is just the way things are.
Rather, the kind that makes me invincible, where I can just observe and be untouched by all the error.
We never always get what we wish for, that is why I am making demands now. So this ship has sailed. The one that was supposed to take us to the other side of war where unity is all that exist. There is too much turbulence between us now and not enough room in this boat that is already rocking from the waves.
How do I even begin to tell you what I want to say? How can we hear each other considering the thunderstorm? I am tired really. I just want to ebb with the tide believing that we’d meet on the other side. If not?
Peace be unto you..
Connoisseur of Memories 