I don’t know if you are like me who struggle to keep it together because
you have pledged allegiance to happiness, but some days the pressure you didn’t even know was building up suddenly overwhelms you and your high spirits come crashing down.
It often starts with this simple thought; What is the point of all this? The downward spiral just starts from there. Why can’t I be consistent? Am I doing the best I can with the life I have been given? Why am I here? What is next for me? Can I take a break? slow down even when the world is going so fast? Will I ever have the life I dream about? What does success mean to me?
What is/are the most important thing(s) to me?
Not all of us have these struggles. A few of us have mastered their roles in this vast world, some have found and answered their calls. While, others have joined a worthy cause. Yet, some wander; trying so hard to fit in, even as life is wrung from them.
Some have developed a lethargy to living. They simply follow the routine of inhaling and exhaling. Some have courageously resigned to the toss and turn of life, too tired to fight the raging storm, ready to bow to the pressure of amounting to nothing.
I see some trying so hard not to drown, beating air rapidly in an attempt not to sink to the bottom, groping for the unknown with equanimity not found in the chilling reality of the loneliness common with being isolated from their goals, aspirations and ambitions.
I don’t know who I am on most days. In my search to find where I belong, I
seek things that give me pleasure…
It would seem that pleasure is not the way of success, just labor. I’ve watched myself get judged for not knowing what next, what I want out of life, for underutilizing my talent, wasting time, not making money.
I struggle… a lot.
I just don’t know how to start my life. In my head, it is like my
life’s on pause. I want to move forward, though I am unsure I want to see what is on the other side of the curtain- the reality that your training may not have prepared you for the most turbulent battle with your mental narrative.
The space between what you don’t know, what you want to know, and what you do know but don’t know how to put to work. I laugh at the sheer incredulity of ingenuity
and how paralyzing it can be. The toughest call is not knowing how to follow a line but then getting to a point where you are laddened with the responsibility of drawing a line that you should follow and actually want to follow.
You start with, how do I draw the line, is a line meant to be straight or
curved, what kind of line will this be… vertical or horizontal, parallel or
perpendicular. In the multipolarity (my coinage) of confusion you face, you just want to find self. A reflection of you that can be acknowledge without the need to hide when you step out there, unmasked.
How do I get from here to there?
when there; is even unknown. An opaque ensemble of an imagined future…
Connoisseur of Memories 