Some days I think I have finally figured it out, everything that makes me a better human. In these days that I feel great about my humanity, it reflects on every iota of perspective I share. I speak as one who has finally reached equilibrium in spirit and as one long past the pitfall of human weakness.
It is not until other days unlike these; where emotions I was convinced I had a rein on starts surfacing. For example, pettiness, neediness and dependence(is this really a bad thing? Never mind). Yeah yeah, I am one of those people that pride myself on being independent. So it gets to me when I have to actually depend on someone for validation and acknowledgement and it is not forth coming.
Don’t lecture me about being the sole custodian of your happiness and owing it. I know all about that or so I thought… it is not that as humans we don’t know the version of us that is or can be optimal. It is that it takes so much practice.
Yeah, practice makes perfect but some days you just feel more comfortable wallowing in the hurt, feeling pitiful, choosing to regret an action rather than letting it go, feeling entitled, expectant even when you have no right to be.
It is on these days I appreciate my dynamism as a human more. The truth is, there is a default setting of humanity which is self- centeredness which manifests in different ways from petulant behaviours to despondency. We just feel like we are more important than everyone else and whatever we are going through at the moment is more difficult than what any other person may be experiencing because you know, life’s just too hard.
Apparently, life is such that when you don’t aspire for more, you suffer the consequences of your settling. So when forgiveness is too hard, better get comfortable with bitterness. When excuses is all you are comfortable dishing out, don’t get jealous of more productive people. When you will rather judge others than be kind, don’t be surprised that are hardly loved.
So, even when I am tempted to seat at the footstool of pettiness, regret and every other negative thing I can definitely exchange for positive, I remember that the schooling I obtain here is one I cannot complain about. What do one expect to learn from bitterness?
The fact that I constantly want to be a better human even though I cannot exactly narrow what that means to a definition, is one of the greatest challenges I face almost daily. It is the reason for my menlacholy most times when I realize that despite all my lessons on growth and personal development I still exhibit traits I thought I had mastered.
When I am confronted with days like these, I throw in the towel, settle in my undignifying attitude till I am ready to clean up the mess and aspire for more again.
What am I saying in essence? it is okay to not be okay as long as you aspire to be okay eventually… Ok scratch the previous statement. You don’t have to aspire to be okay. It is okay to just know that it is okay to not be okay. I think I will leave you with these last words…
Connoisseur of Memories 