Growing up as a young girl, I was taught that men were dangerous and the ability to ruin my life was within their power.
I guess, that was my mom’s way of protecting my virtue and preserving me for my husband. Were I less quizzical, that should have been enough to appease my curiousity, but, I am sure by now, we have established that I am everything but reticent.
So here I am, in my 20’s wondering why I will be encouraged to spend the remaining larger portion of my life, with someone I have been raised to be suspicious, if I wanted to succeed in life.
I wonder why as a young girl, my nurturing was tailored to fascinating a man. Specifically, the man I was going to end up with as wife. Despite, being told to avoid him. However, young boys are not raised to gratify their wives. Instead, they are taught to be strong and focused on success. Largely, males seem to be raised for value, while, females are raised to be virtuos and endorsed by men.
It begs the question: why? Why this differentiation in nurturing? Is it that no one has sat down to review the implications of this upbringing on the psyche of a budding woman? Or is it the case that, at some point, the training will just vanish and the woman born of that cultivation will just be free to live life?
I beg to disagree. Some drillings never just get wiped out. They serve as some form of conscience and thinking faculty.
As a woman, one of the core values instilled in you, is virtue. Virtue, extensively covers decorum, value, ambition, and sexuality. By the very nature of your femininity, you are expected to assimilate the doctrine of subjugation in the name of the Lord. Your ambitions are to be complacent enough so as to attract suitors; domestic enough to build your home.
You are taught to be nurturing mothers, domestic and temperate in all things. Your perceptions, whatever form you idealize them, must be such that will preserve your home. After all, it is the sole responsibility of a woman to keep her home even when the man is a philanderer.
By contrast, men get pats on the backs and tendered excuses for error in judgement and failings in morality. It is quite ludicrous that somehow, a woman is taught to be exemplary. Yet, she is supposed to buckle to the whims and carprices of the man who isn’t raised to be accountable because he is the overlord.
It isn’t bewildering that there is a disequilibrium in association. The gap has been brewing since childhood. A woman is raised to see her husband’s house as the cap of all her achievements and look forward to the proverbial white dress, which she must not defile. Who inspects the coloured suit of the groom? He does. The rule doesn’t apply to him. He is the Law maker and your value is appraised by the pleasure he derives in you.
Women are taught to love the idea of a happy home more than the value of their individuality. Men are taught to harness their individuality by not excersing subservience. How does one expect a similar oulook on marriage, in terms of gravity and commitment? Funny enough, men complain that all women want from a relationship is the ring, that women get easily attached. What do you expect? When all her value has been attached to her hymen and crown?
The irony of the purity culture is that the vanguards are not expected to be virtuous. Body counts, only exist for a woman, men just gain experience. The tag – whore is for the woman but the man who patronizes her and sponsors her career, is the judge of morality. Isn’t that interesting?
Men complain that they are not ATMS. That women value money as a form of security than true love. It is argued that women are the cause of each other’s downfall. This fallout isn’t surprising, considering that all a woman is ingrained with, is finding completeness in a man.
Women regard each other as competitors because premium is placed on the kind of man a woman ends up with. The prize is finding the kind of man every other woman will want. The sacrifice of self worth is immaterial, as long as she can maintain the facade.
Yet, the same men that want a beauty and brain combination, are threatened by the independence that knowledge comes with. They are surprised that the smart woman they want to brag about, will refuse suppression into male privilege. Please, pick a struggle.
A lot of women enter into marriages to finally succeed in life because that is where she believes she will gain respect, love and protection. Consequently, she sows the commitment necessary to preserve her usefulness to a man. A man however, has been raised to pick an accessory that will make his life easier. How can these values ever balance each other out?
Most women feel compelled to stay in marriages that are burdensome because, they are trapped by the notion that their worth is tied to back-breaking sacrifice they must undertake to keep their home. They have been taught that men bring happiness and self worth.
What do you think runs through her mind as she cries? She isn’t even disappointed in the fact that she has been wronged, she is thinking as her brain has been configured, that she has failed to please a man.
What needs to change for us? I could go on and on listing the pitfalls associated with the purity culture. Howbeit, I am not sure who to advise. Should I tell women to take back their bliss by refusing to be brainwashed and be seen as an anarchist? Or should I tell men to give up male privilege? How can I even begin to strike a balance?
I think it is simple; choose the life you want to live; find your values, not the ones handed down to you; find the core of the religion you practice, don’t follow tenets laid by men. Seek your bliss in whatever form it comes. Refuse to conform, if conformity will alter your identity, stake your ground and be willing to die to protect your belief; choose freedom but remember that it needs bravery; know that you are solely responsible for your happiness because no one can make you happy if that is not the kind of happiness you want.
The fight will always continue, but as a custodian of the struggle, it will be malicious to raise another generation of subjugated mentality.
Connoisseur of Memories 