INSECURE

I am insecure

Insecure about how he feels about all the other women that have come before me who I had somehow made faceless in my mind, until I saw pictures. They are beautiful, intelligent and very formidable women. Is it conceited that I thought he did better by choosing me above all others? Or is it that I think little of him not to choose women of character?

Until I put a face to the stories, it was easy to make every other person a blur, thinking solely about my superiority.

How I have won his heart only to realize that he merely chose to give it to me; it could have been anyone else. That rattled my belief. Now, I am plagued with the question – for how long? How long will I continue to hold his attention before he realizes he has made a mistake in choosing me?

The thing is; I thought I was being humble in accepting that I am replaceable, but it became complicated when I started believing that. Now that I believe that I am replaceable, it is hard to fathom that I am worth retaining and fighting for. To brandish my uniqueness as armour against opposition. Now I cower, ready to bow out of the battle before it has even begun.

I can’t pinpoint when I started loosing my confidence and sense of worthiness; but, I can say it all began when I started beliving that a man was the prize. When I started thinking that I was in competition with other women for his attention and my aim in life was to make sure he considers me worthy enough to have as entertainment.

I started beliving that what I had to offer didn’t matter, but what he wanted to take. I started beliving the narrative that men get bored easily and will always want to spice it up; that one woman cannot be enough no matter how loyal he wants to be. I felt helpless in the face of that reality. Rather than call my worth, I wanted to be the other woman. The last one standing who will hold his attention above all else.

As it turns out, my problem was more deep seated than I thought. First is my need to be seen, heard and validated. Second, is my desire to be picture prefect. Third, is idea that vulnerability is a weakness, routine kills love and novelty is the spice of lust. Fourth, is my insecurity, my refusal to belief that I am enough.

Don’t you snicker at me.

I’ve heard how women were brought low because of broken vows, and how it didn’t matter all the sacrifices; because the woman he chose didn’t even need to lift a finger. I began to see that my greatest loss as a woman was to be called a wife. That is actually the most vulnerable position you can find yourself, because, you are in no position to bargain but rather to see that your “home is built” nobody cares what your needs are anymore; it is now about the family that you must preserve. A man is allowed to wander but you must keep your home.

I used to think I had let loose all the suppressive dictate of society until I failed the test when I had to mark my script. The greatest problem isn’t an erring partner, it is how that makes you feel. In control, or out of it?

Who you are can never be quantified in trifling emotions. It is in the security that you are the only you that can be, it is in the recollection that you are enough, you are the prize and you are in control. Nobody can have a hold over you that you did not give them. If you are replaceable, so is any other person.

Permance is a choice but freedom is the healthier choice. There is no other woman, there is just you and the terms you are willing and ready to live by. The society is not a part of your relationship until you veto it. Your life is yours to rule. Nobody is more important than your sanity.

I am still insecure, but not about my worth to a man or anyone else. It is about not measuring up to the portrait I want painted on the canvass of my life. The disappointment I would feel if my life isn’t filled with the colors I choose. I am a rainbow, being with me isn’t about finding seven colors, it is about the multiplicity of my essence.

If someone fails you, that’s on them. It has got nothing to do with you. Make sure you are secure enough to know that.

It’s trickery, but that’s why security is often upgraded. It is called defense.

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